Journal 7/28/17 Evening

Things are much better. My family is safe, from eachother and otherwise. My OCD is better. Things are manageable. Instead of my normal categories, I'd like to try some new ones:

-Slave: I am content, and some trust has been built between Master and I. I watched him handle a type of conflict that I've always taken out of his hands, and watched him do it with grace, effectiveness, and compassion. I learned some things, and I am humbled. My perspective was pretty wrong. I'm also grateful and comforted by how he managed the crisis of last night. He figured out what to do, and did it, and I'm proud of myself for not giving ultimatums or forcing a thing to happen. I wish I had been more patient though.


-Orlen (genderfluid, internal self): I feel very complete. Nails help a lot, especially how long they are. "If you're not wearing nails, you're not doing drag!" Nails this ridiculous really help with dysphoria, because it feels so like drag. Everything is drag, and I am a Queen, always.
My mental health is better. The list plaguing my OCD isn't as bad. My thoughts aren't racing as much. I'm calm, and grounded, and level.


-Orli (Self as pertains to others): Humans are more important than objects. 
I've really fucking lost sight of that, and I'm really ashamed. What the actual fuck. I'm really going to yell about a cup or even some medications, and hurt someone I love? I know better. And I would, when coherent, destroy any of those things in a heartbeat to prevent harm or hurt to those I love.
I'm so sorry, dear ones. I'll do better. I'll be better.

This may actually be the first time I've ever felt shame like this. I don't know how to let go of it. I'll channel my penitence into doing better and being better. (Although, despite not having a punishment-dynamic, an unpleasant verbal or physical beating would not go unappreciated)

I'm sad to have not gotten to participate in Marcus' drag performance tonight, and I'm sad about the rift between me and Sidewinders people. But that's a thing to unpack later.

There's this website going around where you can send anonymous messages to people (send me one! OrliDoll.Sarahah.com) and it's wonderful.

Also, I'm falling deeply in love (not just lust) with people that I did not mean to. I'm not sure what to think about that. I suppose it's fairly telling that respect of the sort that humbles me turns to that. Hmm.


Whore- Clients today were good. I remembered why I love sex work. I love giving people acceptance and experiences they may not otherwise get.


Kierna (Primal, genet) - Kierna was near the surface since getting my nails done. They're so long and pointy and clawlike. Just curling my fingers makes me do the purrgrowl thing. I got to be primal while Master was primal, and that was really fun, and relaxing, and engaging, and delightful.



I''m going to bed happy, content, energized, and relaxed tonight. <3