Journal 9/12/17 Evening

Physical: My back is sore, and my orthostatic intolerance was bad today. I'm tired, but not sleeping.

Mental: It's really helpful to have a correct diagnosis, more than I had anticipated. I didn't realize how many different ways depression could manifest. I had a fair bit of trouble today keeping focused and starting tasks. I feel like I wasn't as productive as I had hoped, but I did get some things done. I did dishes, and swept and mopped. I took one client. I did grocery shopping. I worked on my pageant wig. I fed myself. I guess overall it wasn't too bad of a day. It just seems to take a while to build myself up into doing a task.

I wish I understood what causes my times of intense energy and focus and productivity. I used to think that was mania. But maybe that is just "normal" as compared to a depressive state.

This oil diffuser necklace was a good choice. I'm using cedarwood and bergamot currently. I find myself smelling it many times a day, and it helps a whole lot.

Emotional: I don't know how I feel. I know tiny bits of sadism feel really good. I know I haven't cried or spiraled today. I know that I'm easily confused and emotional today. Tomorrow I want to call Dr. Vera and see if my Effexor can be increased. I really want to play, and I really want to have the capacity to feel sexual, even though I really son't necessarily feel a lot of that now.

I'm happy Artemis is home. I was really worried. Now I just want Arcane home.

Master is really starting to worry me. He hasn't had his medication in days, and he's not acting like himself. It's a bit unsettling. I'm also not terribly fond of how much he is de-prioritizing finding his medication. It's pretty important, and he did promise to stay on top of it.

I don't really know where things are at, but I'm really ready for a routine again, and I'm trying very hard to restore some normalcy to my life. taking meds at consistent times every day seems to be pretty important, and I am trying to take them at the same time every day.

I think Radu and I are starting to reach an equilibrium finally. I'm a little bit worried about her withdrawal process.

On that note, I am very ready for bed.

I love you, Master, and I would really like to offer some direct service soon.