Journal 11/9/17 Afternoon

I am very tired. My body hurts. I've done a lot today, and had a few days of not optimal sleep. I wore a corset for the client we took, which helped my back some. I'm running out of mana and hitpoints both, but I am going to just not let myself stop until I have to, or until Master comes home, whichever comes first. I plan to eat a protein shake for dinner. Maybe, if I can, I'll take a bath tonight.

I accomplished a lot. I booked, and took, a triple client, and he upgraded to full service with the Curio. I cleaned the kitchen. I applied Master for both Medicaid (I thin if his monthly living costs are spun to be high enough, he might qualify) and Obamacare, which is reasonable, but wouldn't start until January 1.

I spent hours finding all of the info that I needed, comparing quotes and fine print and companies for auto insurance, and figuring out the best coverage to balance a low premium with things we actually will use (like roadside assistance). Additionally, I had to look at not just monthly cost, but also the upfront deposit. In oddly cliche news, we will save a lot of money by switching to Gieco! I can actually get that taken care of by tomorrow at the latest, as well as the registration.


It feels so fucking good to be able to do all of this without getting overwhelmed. Having both the mental capacity and the energy to get things figured out is something I really missed. I finally feel useful again, and like I have something to offer besides loyalty and companionship. I can serve with my brain again! And that also makes up for my broken body.
I'm so grateful that Master didn't give up on me, or let me give up.


In other news, the neighbor's music is driving me crazy. All goddamn day.

11/9/17 Journal Morning

Physical: I'm a bit sore and hot from cleaning the kitchen, but I was able to do that, and to mop the kitchen floor and the floor from the doorway to the stairs. Yay for extra hitpoints!
I am still on my period, and I don't have a sponge, so that is annoying. I'm wondering about getting the pure cotton no chemical tampons from Target. Maybe that would help the issues that tampons give me.
My body is sore too often lately. I think I need to go back to avoiding gluten. Maybe there's a laxative I could use instead until the GI issues are taken care of?

Mental: I'm clear headed, and moving quickly. I do seem able to focus though, and not too fixated. I wonder what is helping? I made an entire pot of coffee his morning, maybe that's why.

Emotional: I feel so fulfilled and happy. Giving Master a massage last night, and doing his hair and everything was incredibly recharging. The more I actively love and serve, the more I want to. It's like a snowball effect.
My emotions are very close to the surface today, but seem to be controllable. I'm not used to feeling emotions so readily, but I think this is what I used to be like before ECT. I think it's not bad, I'm just not used to it anymore. Passion is scary, because passion can = fixation and instability. But I think I can use it for good effects.

Today, I'm going to put 100% of my passion into everything I do, and I am going to focus on making sure everything I do is in service to my Master. I'll update as I go along.

I'm also reading through some old emails and such. I'll do that when I need a break from whatever I'm doing, and write thoughts here.

I'm setting my intentions for remembering: remembering my passion, my previous training, the things I've felt, the ways I've been. I'm excited.

Journal 11/2/17 Morning

Physical: I'm mast cell reacting a lot lately, and therefore overheating a lot. My elbows are cracked and bleeding. My back is hurting from doing dishes and cleaning the floors. And my vagina is very, very, very sore and itchy.

Mental: Focusing is easier today than it has been in a while. I'm being pretty productive. I woke up at 7:30, client at 9:30, I did my ISD application, did dishes, cleaned the floors... 

Emotional: I don't even know? I know I felt more easily triggered with that one client. I feel fairly scared of/repulsed by sexual things in general. I just want a cold room, and my Master, and cuddles. 

I'm worried about rent, and worried about finances in general. I couldn't clean all the way because we are out of dishwasher soap and garbage bags, so that doesn't feel great. 

This all sounds really negative, but it's actually not too bad of a day. I'm just really bad at regulating my emotions right now/ 

Journal 10/30/17 Morning

I haven't written these in awhile. I keep meaning to, and I've just been having a hard time focusing lately. But I'm going to make it a priority, at least twice a day, and I would like, if it's available, some accountability (though I will not rely on that)

Physical: Things hurt. I'm very tired. My sleep last night was restless. My allergies are bad. My head hurts. The UTI I was afraid of seems to have calmed down, mostly.

Mental and Emotional:

There is the aforementioned lack  of focus, also alternating with extreme hyperfocus. It's really odd. I'm a little jumpier than usual, and alternating between very hungry and not hungry at all. I am also a bit disconcerted, because I still feel engaged with my life, and I am still conscious of wants and likes and dislikes, but I dont feel a lot of emotion. I feel untouchable. I feel like nothing particularly matters. I feel nihilistic. I don't care about much of anything (except my dynamic and my Master, but that is much more a choice and commitment than a feeling currently.)

....and now I lost focus and forgot what else I was going to write.

Conclusions of tonight's play

We've gotten kind of disconnected, and there's some rebuilding of trust to be done. The tuna scene broke a lot of things.

I can't even orgasm fully. Under any conditions.

How to go about any of that? We'll have to figure that out tomorrow. Which means more thinking, instead of emotion. Hopefully tonight took enough of an edge off to make that possible.

Tonight was the third time in two days that I've asked permission to cuddle and he said no. I asked to sit on the floor by him and he said no. And my vulnerable heart is hurting. Have I done something wrong? Have I become overall less desirable?

He's disengaged from opinions on how I dress, look, what I own. What holes and adornementare in my
What did I do wrong?

Am I a bad doll? Will I ever be a good one?

I'm good enough to be fucked, barely.

How am I failing? Please let me work on it. I promise to be better, I just don't understand what I have to do.

Doll

I want to serve and submit publicly, and perfectly, and beautifully. I've trained for years. I've trained others. I want to feel beautiful, and make others envy my Master, and reflect well on him. Public protocol and service brings many feelings to many people in an area.  Envy, joy, discomfort. As any art does. Art brings forth emotion. Things you feel, things you miss feeling, things you long to feel, things you are afraid of feeling.
I am, in high protocol form, that art, and I long to be displayed. 

Dolls are for display. Dolls are for visually sharing. Dolls are larger than life, in ways that are beautiful, and ways that cause discomfort, but always, always, in ways that make one FEEL.

Let me feel, and let me make YOU, all of you, feel. Let me show you my art.