Journal 9/29/17 Morning

Physical: These nosebleeds are getting really annoying. And I'm having a hard time with physical exhaustion, because of not having enough oxygen. But at least I have Singulair now, so that should get better. Otherwise I'm pretty ok. Coffee seems to help with regulating my heart and blood pressure.

Mental: I cannot fucking focus, and my executive functioning is really messed up. I'm overwhelmed by how much needs to be done, because I jump mentally from task to task. I think I'm going to try writing out a list/plan for the order of things. I really need to talk to Dr. Vera about this on Wednesday. I really just want to work, because it's so concrete and easy to focus on. But it's really irritating that I can't plan around Beth because she's so inconsistent and isn't making or sticking to plans. So I can't even book people properly. Like, we were supposed to have a double at 3:30 but she isn't even here.

Emotional: Pretty much covered by the above. I really need the house and backyard dealt with. It's a mess and I'm sick of it. I hoped with more space Arcane would try to not make the whole house a mess. Like, keep the trash and ghetto nonsense controlled.

I didn't wake up until 1 today, and so I didn't get meds until almost 2. They weren't even made when I woke up. At least when Master was doing them they were made in advance.

I'm irritable, and hot, and bitchy, and scattered, and constantly shaking. Ugh.

Journal 9/28/17 Morning

I really need to get back into writing journals. There's no excuse.

Physical: I took a shower and shaved everything, so that's nice. I'm not hurting too bad. I can't breathe very well, and I can't get my heart rate down. I suspect that those are connected. the heart rate bit is making me really jittery though.

Mental: Reiterating the jittery part. It's hard to focus. I don't have brain fog, but I do have racing thoughts, and I'm forgetting what I'm doing frequently because of it. I've done a bit of cleaning, but in increments because I keep getting distracted.

Emotional: I'm fairly anxious, and on the verge of tears, but I don't feel sad. I feel pretty good actually. Going to sleep little helps with drop.

I'm going out with Mars tonight. I'm pretty anxious about missing work hours, but I also never get to see him. I'm a little concerned about being out of the house at a public place I'm not used to, but I'm going to try it.

Journal 9/19/17 Morning

Things feel much more under control, and so do I. Here's what helped:

Last night:

-My furniture is all moved to what used to be Aisha 's room

-The bathroom is clean

-My legs and underarms are shaved finally, and my body is washed

-I rubbed lotion into my whole body

-I helped with organizing my room, including my jewelry!

-I practiced some magic.

-I unpacked boxes.

-I cleaned my room

-There is a plan for each thing that was on the list, Hooray for a little making plans!


Today:

-I showered and washed my hair

-Beth is here

-The ads are posted.

-I ate a food

-I'm sitting at an actual set up desk, getting things done


I feel a little more control over things.


Physical: A little achey, a little itchy, but overall better. Hibiclens has worked wonders for my uti and yeast infection issue, and the acne that was popping up on my face. And I got that hideous hair gel washed out finally. I went to bed at six in the morning, but I feel ok.

Mental: I'm fairly clear headed. I got really good sleep last night. Sleeping alone really is good for me. I like sleeping with Master because of the cuddles and closeness, and the lion energy. I like relaxing into that could of strength. But I also like waking up with not all my energy stolen.

Emotional: I'm so glad to be around Beth. I missed her a lot. And I'm talking to Caleb, which is also nice. We haven't had a good conversation like this is months. I also burned sage and lit grounding and love candles last night, which I think was really helpful. I feel like a bunch of releasing happened.

Journal 9/18/17 Evening

I just realized that I'm having some pretty significant control issues. Which I know is a PTSD issue, though I have never figured out from what.

I had no control over the situation with Aisha. I didn't even get to have a conversation about that decision.

The effort I went to for the pageant wasn't reflected, and I had no control over that.

My depression is not under control.

I'm not doing very well controlling my addictive tendencies.

My animals keep getting out of the house, and I can't get control of that.

Despite my best efforts, my house is a mess.

My nails are a mess.

The old house stuff is out of control.

A bunch of my stuff that I use all the time is in boxes, and there's nowhere in my room to put them.

There's not the things I'm used to having in my house as far as food and water.

On that note, because of the lack of door shelves, the refrigerator is a disorganized mess

The pantry can't be unpacked because for unknown reasons it was filed with random not pantry items. Wtf.

There's too many body noises everywhere.

The list goes on.


I really need my life to have some kind of control and order.

I am too depressed to initate those activities. Also I'm not able bodied and can't drive.

Master has such an emotional, reactive response when I bring these things up. I think he doesn't get that I'm rapidly losing my shit. This is the kind of thing that sends me to the hospital.  I need some things off the list of chaos. I need things fixed. And I'm going to have this PTSD spiral until that happens.

It's not fair. It's not fair that I've been trying so hard to hold my emotions back for so long, and you couldn't hold back yours, and yours included being some kind of upset with me, and added the last thing I can take to the flood, and the dam is breaking. And it started breaking, and I started crying, and you verbally expressed negative feelings about that. To which I tried to compose myself.

And now I'm in my room alone and my carefully constructed dam is broken, and this time I don't know if I can stop the flood. I'm left to comfort myself and pull myself together and I don't know if I can. The only direction that seems effective is bitterness, but that will be worse and probably isn't sustainable anyway. I don't know how much time I have left doing anything besides sobbing endlessly. I'm buying time but it's getting more expensive by the minute. You pushed the button that broke the thing, and still I only get the comfort I can pull from myself. It's not fair, and it may not even be possible.

And nowhere is safe. Kierna and my little are both sad and scared and crying too.

Journal 9/12/17 Evening

Physical: My back is sore, and my orthostatic intolerance was bad today. I'm tired, but not sleeping.

Mental: It's really helpful to have a correct diagnosis, more than I had anticipated. I didn't realize how many different ways depression could manifest. I had a fair bit of trouble today keeping focused and starting tasks. I feel like I wasn't as productive as I had hoped, but I did get some things done. I did dishes, and swept and mopped. I took one client. I did grocery shopping. I worked on my pageant wig. I fed myself. I guess overall it wasn't too bad of a day. It just seems to take a while to build myself up into doing a task.

I wish I understood what causes my times of intense energy and focus and productivity. I used to think that was mania. But maybe that is just "normal" as compared to a depressive state.

This oil diffuser necklace was a good choice. I'm using cedarwood and bergamot currently. I find myself smelling it many times a day, and it helps a whole lot.

Emotional: I don't know how I feel. I know tiny bits of sadism feel really good. I know I haven't cried or spiraled today. I know that I'm easily confused and emotional today. Tomorrow I want to call Dr. Vera and see if my Effexor can be increased. I really want to play, and I really want to have the capacity to feel sexual, even though I really son't necessarily feel a lot of that now.

I'm happy Artemis is home. I was really worried. Now I just want Arcane home.

Master is really starting to worry me. He hasn't had his medication in days, and he's not acting like himself. It's a bit unsettling. I'm also not terribly fond of how much he is de-prioritizing finding his medication. It's pretty important, and he did promise to stay on top of it.

I don't really know where things are at, but I'm really ready for a routine again, and I'm trying very hard to restore some normalcy to my life. taking meds at consistent times every day seems to be pretty important, and I am trying to take them at the same time every day.

I think Radu and I are starting to reach an equilibrium finally. I'm a little bit worried about her withdrawal process.

On that note, I am very ready for bed.

I love you, Master, and I would really like to offer some direct service soon.

Journal 9/11/17 Morning

Withdrawals are over, moving isn't over, but our schedule is back to normal, so it's time to get back on track with journals.

Physical: I'm hurting a whole lot. I dislocated a bunch in my sleep. I'm also really hot and dizzy. I got out of bed before 11 (the goal was between 9:30 and 10) and I've eaten, taken meds, and cleaned the kitchen already. I'd be pretty thrilled if my vagina would quit bleeding, so I could stop itching and smelling like fish.

Mental: I'm clear headed, but so sleepy. I don't have a whole lot of mana, exemplified by how I haven't responded to people's texts yet.

Emotional: I'm incredibly stressed that the old house isn't empty yet, and not all of our stuff is here. More than that, though, I don't like not having my whole family where I know they are safe. Arcane, Artemis, and Luna are all missing. I really don't like it.

 The stack of bed in the living room is a bit stressful too. I have no idea how I feel otherwise. So, Neutral-stressed I guess is where I am today. I miss Arcane like crazy.


My healthcare coordinator is coming in about ten minutes, and after that I'm going to get everything ready to work. Hopefully I'll be able to do some unpacking between clients, but working is the most important right now.

I also really need to dye my hair, hopefully today, and I'm planning on naptime with Radu.

Additions to stress:
-The home condition checklist was supposed to have been in on the 4th.
-I don't know what is going on with the pool key
-We really need to get mail keys, but how do we do that without a printed copy of the lease?
-Cat food?