I was really fussy, and then I remembered that this morning I was not happy about working because I had to be a girl. I went and put on boy clothes and felt significantly better.
Today, for some reason, I was really obsessive about snuff porn. I have no idea where that came from. Not just asphyxiation either. Like, beheading, and then fucking the head since it stays sentient for a bit. Or nipples cut off with a knife. Or impaling on a pike, and then being roasted and eaten. Or a table saw slicing someone in half, while sentient, starting with the vagina. I'm still all worked up just writing about it. I don't know whether I want to be the person being killed or doing the killing. Can I have both? I want my pain, I want others' pain. I want blood, and bone, and screams, and something inhuman. I could kill someone tonight, with a dull knife, and enjoy it.
Is this what people call bloodlust?
I feel masculine, I feel primal, not like a genet, but something else.
I did some playing with magic. I feel powerful, but uncontrolled.
I'm also aware that I might sound delusional and unstable. I really actually don't care. I want to cut something, or to bleed, or to kill or to nearly die, but not quite. I want to wreak havok with sorcery. I want to toy with prey. I want control, or, less so, to be utterly controlled. I feel powerful, and dark, and glimmering.
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