Journal 7/31/17 Afternoon

I took a shower, and used the shower chair. It was amazing! This must be what it feels like to shower as a normal person.

I've been really trying to focus on recovery today. I've been connecting with the energy of last night when Master was gone, and essentially doing my best to drown in relaxing hedonism. Shower, shaving, face mask, painting my toes, wearing a soft skirt and nothing on top, reading, writing, napping, netflix. Just really listening to what my body and brain think feels good. It's been really helpful, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work tomorrow.

I feel like my best self. Clean, shiny, soft, calm, smart, kind, sexual and subby but not desperate.

I really love my Master, and I want to feel close to him, so that I can share this with him. A car date with food and song discussion, a resteraunt date (ghengis grill, maybe? Or Mexican?), play, sex, watching tv, cuddles... any of  these things sound great to me. Just basking in eachother's happy, relaxed energy, and soaking it up together.

Journal 7/31/2017 Morning

Physical: I hurt so much. My whole body. And I'm so tired, and hot, and feverish. I'm going to try to take a shower, and see if it helps.

Mental: I have what seems like morning brain fog, but I just can't shake it. It was sort of hoping that forcing myself to write this journal would help me to jump start my brain a little bit.

Emotional: I'm sad that I didn't get to work today. I really wanted to. On the more positive end of things, though, last night was wonderful. Master slapped me in the face, and I got that warm feeling in my stomach that I've been chasing my whole life, and as he kept slapping, I came, hard, without any other stimulation. Then I gave him a blowjob, and went to sleep cuddled up so, so happy. You know a thing is good when I don't feel the need to masturbate afterwards! I still feel amazing today. Honestly, I can't wait for him to get home today so that I can feel his chest and arms hugging me, and smell him, and cuddle. Right now I feel like blowjob, cuddles, and sleep together would be just fine to me!

I guess I feel more stable now than I did for  a bit. I'm stressing about getting in to see doctors, but when is that not the case? I did call my primary, though, to try and
get in. I left a message.

The house is cooling down now since the thunderstorm, and I actually feel a bit better in all the ways so that's good.

Journal 7/30/17 Evening

I feel really good. Master was very affectionate, and even scratched me before leaving, and got me all set up. Arcane made me food. I relaxed, and it was very nice. Having things like water and the blanket and stuffed animals made me feel very tangibly taken care of, and that was helpful with avoiding abandonment fears. And knowing concretely and specifically what my night would entail was the same kind of comforting as the hospital.

I'm physically better than I was, but not 100%.

I'm a bit sad, because I was supposed to get to see Mars today, and have all the sexual violence. So that's kind of what my brain was geared up for, and I'm still there. Pin me to a wall and kiss me and bite me and pull my hair and hit me, or fuck me, or.... even a few cane strokes randomly?

I've been there for a few days, I think. The good thing about sexual violence/play is that a little goes a long way, both in intensity of effect, and duration of effect, and it doesn't require aftercare. It also doesn't really require context, or setting energy in the same way as other things. It's a fairly low maintenance, low-risk/high reward kind of thing.
It makes everything better in a sometimes frustrating, disappointing existence.
"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?"

I hope Master would be interested in trying that and seeing what it does...

Journal 7/30/17 Afternoon

Physical: I just got out of the ER. I have some kind of urinary tract problem, and my urine was brown this morning. I don't feel good at all. They gave me antibiotics and a referral for a urologist. I'm achey, nauseated, sore throat, headache, and tired.

The mildew swamp cooler is also making me sick.

Mental: I woke up unable to think. Actually zero spoons, which is very rare for me. I'm still foggy, but a few more spoons, I think because of saline.

Emotional: The A/C and "not even trying" issue. I don't have energy to elaborate.

I'm pretty insecure and easily hurt today, possibly because I'm sick. I asked Master for gentleness eventually, using the "yellow, gentle" phrase.

Master explained to me today about the energy connection and sort of telepathy thing with Beth. They're essentially playing a game and trying to spy on eachother. It's not so much that they are developing such a significant thing, like Master and I. That was really comforting.

He also explained earlier why he's so invested in seeing Beth. He needs a break from regular life, basically. That makes sense to me.

He's fairly defensive and mad-seeming with those conversations at first. I think it will take some time to build trust between us, for me asking things without spiraling.

I feel like I really don't want to be away from him. But for him to leave, what I'm positive that I can offer, is not freaking out if I can feel comforted and connected before he leaves. Small and safe.

I think this could be accomplished by any of: 
- cuddles and tv
- cuddles and Master's music
- cuddles and talking
-primal time, either both primal or just me
-being little, and cuddles
- play like biting,  choking, hair pulling, nails
- maybe caning

The longest I can imagine it taking is an hour.

I'm grateful that he stayed with me in the ER, and that he takes care of me even when it's a lot. Most people would not.

Your slavedoll loves you, Master

Journal 7/30/17 Mid Evening - Incident Discussion

This is my understanding of what just happened:

Prior agreements to my understanding:

-Master will tell me about plans ahead of time so I can adjust my brain. Sudden things throw me for a loop. Telling me plans involves:

-Master will tell me when he will be home by, and if that needs to change, he will update me before that time, with a new time.

-Master will tell me what he thinks will happen, and where he will be, and he will not do more than that if it is at all within his power.

Tonight:

-I was talking about being sick, when Robert said his timing was awful and then told me he was planning to go have coffee with Beth on her side of town.
This was the first I heard of this plan. (Breaks first agreement)
Also, it was really an unhelpful time to bring that up. Kind of sounds like "It sucks that you're sick, because of this plan that I didn't tell you about yet."
It's very difficult to hear how I'm involved in a cause of unhappiness by being sick, while I'm sick. Additionally to that difficulty, it's very hard to have a new plan sprung on me, thus the first agreement. It's also scary to me to feel like an agreement is being broken. Agreements give me a sense of stability and security. They are concrete, concise, and specific. (Aspergers mixed with PTSD, I think.)


I definitely started to spiral, and want to know what was so significant and important that he would break agreements, and dismiss my concerns (which were with him being so far away, with the state of Aisha and I, and the pre-discussed, even with Master, plan for bloodplay), and to do so in what both Aisha and I percived as a loud, agressive manner. His response was that I didn't use yellow or red, to which I said that ideally he wouldn't force me to. [sidenote: we need to redefine what red and yellow mean]

Finally, I said yeah, please don't go, because you are breaking agreements. He seemed unhappy, but agreed, and said we would talk about it later. He said he wanted to go for a drive, and asked if I needed anything before then. He agreed to go no further than 10 minutes away, and either be back by 12:30 or give me an updated time. He did that. That was actually very helpful and reassuring.


This journal brought to you by Aisha telling me to stop talking until the journal was done, and then to not rant about it anymore. (Toppy Aisha? What?)


Possibly relevant information: I apparently didn't take meds this morning, which I'm sure affects cognitive and emotional functioning, and the levels of pain and sickness caused by missing Cymbalta in particular, probably contributed to how nervous I was about him being across town so far.

Journal 7/29/17 Afternoon

I had strawberries, and now I am very hyper.

My eye dislocates.

I got a shower chair.

....apparently strawberries make journaling very difficult

Journal 7/28/17 Evening

Things are much better. My family is safe, from eachother and otherwise. My OCD is better. Things are manageable. Instead of my normal categories, I'd like to try some new ones:

-Slave: I am content, and some trust has been built between Master and I. I watched him handle a type of conflict that I've always taken out of his hands, and watched him do it with grace, effectiveness, and compassion. I learned some things, and I am humbled. My perspective was pretty wrong. I'm also grateful and comforted by how he managed the crisis of last night. He figured out what to do, and did it, and I'm proud of myself for not giving ultimatums or forcing a thing to happen. I wish I had been more patient though.


-Orlen (genderfluid, internal self): I feel very complete. Nails help a lot, especially how long they are. "If you're not wearing nails, you're not doing drag!" Nails this ridiculous really help with dysphoria, because it feels so like drag. Everything is drag, and I am a Queen, always.
My mental health is better. The list plaguing my OCD isn't as bad. My thoughts aren't racing as much. I'm calm, and grounded, and level.


-Orli (Self as pertains to others): Humans are more important than objects. 
I've really fucking lost sight of that, and I'm really ashamed. What the actual fuck. I'm really going to yell about a cup or even some medications, and hurt someone I love? I know better. And I would, when coherent, destroy any of those things in a heartbeat to prevent harm or hurt to those I love.
I'm so sorry, dear ones. I'll do better. I'll be better.

This may actually be the first time I've ever felt shame like this. I don't know how to let go of it. I'll channel my penitence into doing better and being better. (Although, despite not having a punishment-dynamic, an unpleasant verbal or physical beating would not go unappreciated)

I'm sad to have not gotten to participate in Marcus' drag performance tonight, and I'm sad about the rift between me and Sidewinders people. But that's a thing to unpack later.

There's this website going around where you can send anonymous messages to people (send me one! OrliDoll.Sarahah.com) and it's wonderful.

Also, I'm falling deeply in love (not just lust) with people that I did not mean to. I'm not sure what to think about that. I suppose it's fairly telling that respect of the sort that humbles me turns to that. Hmm.


Whore- Clients today were good. I remembered why I love sex work. I love giving people acceptance and experiences they may not otherwise get.


Kierna (Primal, genet) - Kierna was near the surface since getting my nails done. They're so long and pointy and clawlike. Just curling my fingers makes me do the purrgrowl thing. I got to be primal while Master was primal, and that was really fun, and relaxing, and engaging, and delightful.



I''m going to bed happy, content, energized, and relaxed tonight. <3

Journal 7/28/17 Afternoon

Well, I had two clients, my nails are done, Master stayed home today and cleaned the house, and pulled some weeds and stuff. Overall, I feel much better than I did. I'm still a bit anxious, but cuddles and cleanliness have really helped.

Physical: Super achey. I had a headache earlier, but I think I just needed caffeine. I'm tired, but not exhausted. I took a nap for a few hours this morning while waiting for clients. I'm having to sleep on my back lately because of pain.

Mental: It's still hard to focus, but thoughts aren't racing quite so much. I feel less clear headed, and my brain isn't as quick.

Emotional: Worried, kind of, and grateful to Master for staying home today. It literally kept me out of the hospital. I'm a bit drained still, emotionally.

I'm super, super sexual though. I let both clients fist me, and the first one spanked me. I was really, really tempted to give the first one oral, even though I never do that with clients. And at the nail salon, the artwork of feet was making me wet.

I don't feel desperate for sex, but I would really love it. Preferably with some spanking or caning or face slapping, or being pinned to a wall and kissed and bitten and choked...

That actually reminds me of a thing I used to love: being pinned against a wall, facing the wall, and being spanked like that. Mmmm.

Please Master?

Journal 7/28/17 Morning

Physical: A little achey, but not awful. Headache. Itchy. Shaky. Tired.

Mental: Pretty anxious. Racing thoughts.

Emotional: Not awake enough to know very much. Pretty irritable. Better than last night, though only a little.

Master stayed home, so I haven't been in the kitchen at all.

Textures aren't quite as awful so far today.

Journal 7/27/17 Evening

Physical: Neck, shoulders, arms, back, hips, knees, throat, hands all hurting. My shoulder is subluxed. My heart rate is really up and down it feels like. My whole body itches. Headache. Can't feel Master biting, it doesn't register as any kind of pain.

Mental: Either racing thoughts or dissociation/sleep/giving up. I've gotten through the day by doing each task that is directly in front of me, and just that. But it's hard for me to maintain that, unless I take double hydroxizine, and I really don't want to make a habit of misusing medications like that. Dissociation actually seems to be an ok thing, until someone like Aisha needs me to connect. Like today. When she just showed up. And had a major back convulsion problem.

Emotional: Pretty similar. My OCD, anxiety, etc. are pretty bad. I feel really bad that I can't figure out anything to do except ask Master for help. I'm really worried about dumping my issues on him again, or seeming like I'm doing that. And I was getting better at asking for the specific thing I needed, but now I don't even know what that is. My heart hurts, not just because it feels awful to not have a solution, but because that stuff is getting added to his plate. I know he's tired. I know everything is verging on too much. It's part of why I'm so angry at Arcane, I think.

I'm both proud of myself and disappointed in myself. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing to ask.

Hopefully I can sleep, and tomorrow I will focus on following. If things are going to be bad, at least I can maintain forward motion, and not be stuck trying to figure out a direction.

Journal 7/27/17 Afternoon

Still a rough day.

I don't know if it's just in my head, but the texture of all the furniture and all the floors and nearly everything else is grainy and bad. It's really adding to my anxiety. The kitchen is a huge mess, and it's really getting to be a problem. Everything everywhere is gross. I'm staying calm and not spiraling, but my anxiety is really bad. I don't know how to deal with Arcane. I'm leaving that to Master, but I'm pretty affected by all of this. And considering that I was not successful trying to get my meds adjusted, I'm concerned about reaching crisis levels at any moment.

I want to just zip around and clean everything up, but I don't have the spoons for how my OCD will drive that. My body is very unhappy today, and it's not just joints. I'm having a fair bit of organ/internal pain and sickness.

My only client today was really shitty also. He just grabbed and pushed and uggghhh I'm tired of being manhandled. I think I might have been triggered, because I got really sick feeling, like I do if I exit a scene too quickly. And he kept asking what else we could do, and I told him nothing and then he kept pushing and finally I said "the option where you leave is availiable. Seriously, get out." And he told me how ride that was to do and that he'd post all over the internet and facebook about me. Once he left, I did some research and got his full name, his wife's full name, and his job. I told him "Don't do anything stupid. I'd hate to have to tell Kesha about this" He came back into the driveway, and I the door. He apparently thought better of it, because he then drove away.

I'm really not sure what to do with myself, so I'm hiding in the bedroom, where it's at least sort of clean. The bed still feels oily and grainy, and I'm so itchy too.

I haven't had energy to text the pika at all today. I'd love if I could go see Mars. I like him, and his apartment is so clean. Immaculate and comfortable.

Basically, this is a long string of complaints. I'm generally unhappy with this house/household. I'm very tempted to just sleep to escape. But I need to be able to sleep tonight.

Things are good with Master, though. Movie time last night was great. Cuddles feel so good lately. I want them more than sex. All the cuddles. Maybe some play.

I'm finding that journaling is really grounding, in a way. Having to write words, forces my brain to focus on one thing at a time.  I'm pretty happy about that.

Physical: itchy, pain, tired, headache

Mental: Clear headed, not too manic or racing but not shut down either.

Emotional: Anxious, OCD, triggered?, droppy, could be little easily, could be the scared kind of angry easily, a little jumpy

Journal 7/27/17 Morning

I am stressed beyond belief. I have to go back to work today, and the house is a mess. And I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. I was under the impression that I will be woken up on work days. Master used to even call me if he was already gone to work. Apparently I was mistaken. I'm stressed about the events of last night, and I am frantic about the mess in the house, and about returning to work.

Physical: I barely got any sleep last night. My head hurts, my body aches. I feel a bit of nausea. My throat hurts.

Mental: My mind is racing, and it's really hard to focus. Maybe it's one of those days, maybe it's because I don't have time to wake up and adjust to the world properly. I am unstable as fuck, again.

Emotional: Everything is stressful and overwhelming. Sensory overload has been a thing since I went to sleep last night. I'm angry that things are so stressful, but I'm trying not to think too hard about it, and not to blame other people. I had barely woken up, and I was all stressed because of it being late, and Master was pretty aggressive and frantic himself this morning. I was not prepared for that.

I don't even know where to start with unraveling my stress today. One thing at a time, I guess. Hopefully my body cooperates.

Journal 3/26/17 Evening

Physical: Headache. Right shoulder out, back tight, itchy. I had artificial sweeteners today, and I still feel pretty awful from that.

Mental: A bit fixated on domestic issues. My OCD is bad. My stuff going missing exacerbates it.

Emotional: Stressed. I don't want to think about the things that are happening in my house. If one does not have a grip on reality, one should admit that, and defer to others' memories. Don't lie to me. I have so much to say on that topic, but I'm trying not to initiate a confrontation, for once.

Things bugging my OCD:
-Not being able to shave
-Not having the oil for my hair and face
-Not having my black skirts, and dresses
-Not being able to reach the shelf for my wigs, or put them on the top of the bookshelf
-Making plans for food and then having it disappear
-The general mess in the house
-My nails
-The bookshelf
-The front yard


I also feel fairly petulant in general. I think my little has grown up to be about 12 or 13, and she's coming out fairly frequently. I'm really not comfortable with it.

Fussy might be a good word too. I don't know what will snap me out of it, but I need to figure it out.

Journal 7/26/17 Morning

Physical: I'm feeling better than I was. Fairly rested, no headache, Not a whole lot of pain in my body. My hands are stiff.

Mental: Still clear headed, especially considering that it's morning and I haven't had caffeine.

Emotional: PEOPLE WHO HAVE KNOWN ME FOR YEARS HAVE NO EXCUSE TO KEEP DEADNAMING ME. Goddamn.

Last night had some issues, and they need to be talked about, but I'm not sure how to approach it, and I don't have emotional energy for a fight. I guess I feel fairly emotional today, but kind of subdued because I'm emotionally tired. It wouldn't take much for me to dissolve into tears, I think. I hope there's gentleness and kindness today. I'm glad to have another day before work to deal with that.

My OCD is still pretty bad, and unfortunately the crystal on my collar is the forefront of my OCD irritations. I don't like how it looks, or feels, or that I can't match my jewelry to it. But I don't know how to feel about that. I honestly really really want the ring of steel back.


I guess I'm actually generally more unsettled today than I realized when I first started writing this. I don't even know how to unpack it all right now.

Journal 7/25/17 Evening

Physical: My head hurts if I use my eyes too much. Shoulder and hands hurt. VERY sexual.

Mental: Very active, very clear, very fast, a few words and phrases missing.

Emotional: Up and down a whole lot, but overall positive. Not stable, but more manic than destructive. Very sexual, cuddly, clingy, but not insecure. I had no trouble talking about things that might lead to spirals some days.

Journal 7/25/17 Midday

Physical: Fever, headache, sore throat, tight chest, nauseated, chills, exhausted

Mental: OW.

Emotional: Hurt that Arcane thinks I had anything to do with this. I'm not stupid. Anxious that I'm not working and don't have a Dr. note. Mostly too tired and concussed for clear emotion.

Journal 7/24/17 Afternoon

I am not ok today. I'm anxious, but not the kind that drives you to do stupid things. The kind that freezes you in place. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go to Walmart and then Sidewinders to make Marcus' outfit. I don't want to put on anything but sweatpants and long sleeves. I've barely eaten. I've been shaking all day, even when I did eat. I had one client today, and then 3 that canceled, although one might come tomorrow. My body doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it's attached to me. Dysphoria, but I don't think it's gender based. I think I anxiety-ed myself into a mast cell reaction earlier, complete with fever. I feel like I need to withdraw from Sidewinders altogether, no title, go to no shows, talk to no one. I hate being viewed as unstable or flaky (at best). I want to have no commitments outside of the house. I guess I'm still overwhelmed.

I need to go to a psych. I made an appointment at Truman Center, but It's not until mid December. I'm hoping I can go to UNM urgent care soon. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. I don't know what I need, and I'm scared. I'm scared of new meds, and of being set off and having to go to the hospital again, and of losing the progress I've made. I'm scared of the world, I'm scared of my body, I'm scared of doctors who don't believe or understand, I'm scared of not having doctors. I'm scared of food and drink.

I can't even think straight enough to separate into categories of physical, mental, and emotional.

Things I've tried to feel better today:

-Five hour energy shot
-Dyeing my hair
-Showering
-Shaving
-Masturbating
-Netflix
-Nap


Right now, I just turned on music. Maybe I can do some productive things to feel better. But I don't want to set off my mast cells anymore.


I'm worried too, because is it just coincidental that I feel so helpless right after beginning again as a slave? I hope it's not related. I really don't want to fuck this up this time.

Journal 7/24/17 Morning

What a rough morning. I woke up late, there's no mail, and I didn't get to dye my hair and shower last night. I feel gross, and not ready, and anxious. I have hair dye in my hair now. Hopefully I don't get a client too early.

Physical: I feel pretty ok, actually. A little drained, a little slow moving, but that might all just be morning stuff. My hands are a bit stiff. My stomach is a little bit upset.

Mental: I'm a bit foggy, but it seems to be getting better as I wake up. I have a fair number of spoons today, though, so that's nice.

Emotional: I was really sad when Master left. We did have some fun last night in the night, so I might just be kind of spacy/droppy from that and yesterday overall. I hope we get chances to talk today during the day. I do not feel ready for work. I feel incredibly emotionally vulnerable, and not as protected from clients' bullshit as I normally do. I need to take some time this morning to work on my shields and the energy in the bedroom. It's still all full of the energy from yesterday's events, and it's making my feelings kind of mixed up and confusing.

That's a challenge that I forgot/ didn't anticipate. M/s energy feels different, and it feels good, and I want to hang onto it, so shifting energetically is difficult. Well, pragmatic, not romantic.


I feel overall prepared to do my best today, now that I've written for a bit. I'm not sure how I'll feel at the end of the day.

Journal 7/23/17 Bedtime

Well, change of plans. I feel physically ill, and now that I'm more calm, maybe a bit droppy. I need just go to bed, partially because I'm suddenly exhausted, and partially to be near Master. I have about half a spoon left. I think I need some curing hysteria time also. I feel a little pent up, in a tired sort of way.

Tomorrow is a new day. My first full day as a new slave. Blessings upon it.

But hey, holy fuck, I'm a slave again! I didn't know if I'd ever be back here, and I am, with a better understanding. I have so many feeling and thoughts. More on that later.

Journal 7/23/17 Evening

It's not even bedtime yet, but I need to write.

I'm very overwhelmed. It's not all bad, but it's a lot.

Master accepted me as his slave. And I'm ecstatic. But it was intense, and still is, and I'm not exactly sure what that feels like, or settled into a groove with the energy. The crystal on my collar is undoubtedly amplifying that.

 I was kind of hoping for a bit more time together and something solidifying or grounding. Play, sex, watersports, shower, talking... I trust that he knows best, but I am a bit disappointed and a bit all over the place (not that those things would necessarily have lessened that, I don't know, but I just had/still have no idea what to expect)

Instead, what came up was spiders and weeds, and fighting with Arcane, and messy kitchen, and all the OCD and triggers. I feel like I can't quite get my footing. I'm hoping journaling will help, and maybe some staying up late by myself, working on assignments, etc. Resuming some normalcy.

How do I become less overwhelmed? I'll look at the list of coping skills after this. It's challenging to not just ask Master to fix it. But I will use the tools that I have.

I imagine it was probably pretty intense for him too, and he's probably also feeling a little bit scattered, or a bit of energetic whiplash. He prioritized the consideration conversation, and likely isn't feeling a whole lot of emotional affirmation for that decision. I am grateful, though. I'll work on showing it. My first step will be to make things as easy for him as possible, if I can.


Physical: I couldn't eat my chicken for dinner for some reason, so I just ate mashed potatoes. I got really sick from heat, to the point of GI problems again. I'm also in a fair bit of overall pain. Still recovering from the impact scene, probably. I think my muscles have finally loosened up enough for me to feel what's out of place. I need to shower, but I'm scared of how sick I will get. I really need to get a shower chair (yellow). Maybe after work tomorrow?

Mental: The OCD is really, really bad today. I need to get my head out of the clouds enough to clean, dye my hair, do my nails, shave... the things that I need to do to lower the list of OCD factors. And then I need to accomplish something. Reading assignment stuff sounds like a good idea.

Emotional: I am unsettled, triggered, hurt (Arcane, not Master) manic, overwhelmed (as mentioned above) ungrounded, insecure, about to cry, excited, sexual, playful (canes/anything on my ass in particular), and scared of losing the good feelings and moments if I don't hold on tight. But slavery is the pragmatic, not the romantic. And pragmatically, what is important is working on the things above.


I feel, actually, a bit more grounded after writing. I have a plan, and I'm zeroed in on the now. I'm excited to accomplish it. I'm confident in what I CAN do. And I've sort of prioritized what needs to be addressed first.
I also feel "more real". I really need to get a better understanding of dissociation, because I think I detach from reality, but only partially, and it unsettles me. It needs grounding, but a different kind, I think.

Journaling does seem to be incredibly important or a lot of areas. I really need to make sure to commit to keeping up with it.


Ok. Game plan:

1. Take hydroxizine and clonidine from night meds.
2. Finish Netflix episode.
3. Put dye in hair
4. While it sets, do some tidying in the living room/bathroom.
5. Get a snack
6. Shower
7. Pending physical feelings, read/write or watch Netflix.
8. Short journal, meds, bed.

Journal 11/23/17 Morning/Afternoon

I feel great again today. Last night was very restful, and I got to wake up cuddling with Master, both of us all sleepy, which is a rare treat. I also think sleeping in cuffs helped physically, and with anxiety. The house still feels really good.

I'm slowly developing a routine for myself over the past week or so. In the past routines have been very regimented to feel good to me. Now, I'm sort of building around elements, which is new for me. Getting something in my body (apple, fruit cup milk) shortly after getting up helps me not get stuck. When I've gathered my spoons, I'll get some more substantial food, and some lemon water. The next segment, which is a bit more flexible, is blogging and coffee or tea, and music. This part can be mixed in with makeup, errands, etc. It's a priority for the first quarter of the day, but I'm (pretty successfully) working on maintaining a certain level of flexibility, while grounding myself in the morning with a few key elements.

Master picked my clothes and jewelry today, and there's no androgyny, goth, or even a bit of hardness or intensity. It's a little bit dysphoric, actually. But I'm dealing, and that feels a certain kind of good. Maybe I can think of this sort of thing as "slave drag"


Physically: My back is flaking and I really want it all scrubbed off. I need a shower badly, but I want to dye my hair first. I haven't actually showered in almost 3 weeks. I have some urinary tract pain, and it seems to be worse when I drink soda, so I guess I should avoid that. I also had a weird sharp pain this morning in my lower left quadrant. I'm a bit tired, but it's probably dehydration.

Mentally: I'm fairly clear headed, calm, and able to follow things.

Emotionally: I'm calm, but all full of nervous anticipation. It sounds like I might get a "yes" today. I'm trying to not get terribly invested, because this is a marathon, not a sprint, but I am pretty sure that whenever that moment comes, whether today or another day, it will be very intense, and probably overwhelming for me. I'm nervous, and excited.
I feel like I could go either way today, with self directed or submissive and following. That's fairly interesting, and a bit surprising for me. But probably good?

Music mood: (New category! It's an experiment!): Cannibal by Ke$ha, and Power and Control by Marina and the Diamonds.

Quotes from "Becoming A Slave" Ch. 1

"['Slave' is] a shorthand for one who surrenders, obeys, and gives, service to one who has the ability and consent to control them,"

"Voluntary servitude"

"The rule here is that the practical and pragmatic will take precedence over the frivolous and imaginary"

Challenge Forecast

Master asked me to make a list of challenges, potential or actual that might arise from becoming a slave once again.

• Falling into bad habits. I have some very effectively trained, but pathological perspectives on M/s, and I need to be very careful to not fall back into those. Mindfulness is more important than ever. Current strategies include posting at least once a week on here about slavery, and re-reading old entries.
• Personal responsibility. Part of those destructive philosophies is the concept of ownership, and how it ties in to my own emotions and whether they are my responsibility. More on this in future posts. 
• Physical limitations. My physical health goes up and down, and this has definitely changed my ability to serve. I will need to focus on balancing allowing myself to get healthy physically, and doing the service things that feel good to me. 
• Need for affirmation. Along with the last point, I am reminded of how fixated I can get on praise, to the point of putting pressure on Master, and of shirking service when I don't feel the affirmation I would like. I need to remember that service should be done out of love, affection, and respect. Affirmation is separate, and I can, and should ask directly for it.
• Having my own s-type. I'm not used to going up and down with my headspace. As a doll, I've been kind of in the middle. Now, I'm petitioning to be a slave again, and simultaneously developing things with Pika (code name going forward). That rapid change in headspace is really difficult already, and managing that equilibrium will likely become even harder. I need to develop strategies to bring myself up and down, without relying on Master to bring me back down after every time I have to get toppy. Or, find a way to mesh the two headspaces. Food for thought.
• Time. I know in the past, I have felt like there wasn't enough time for "dynamic interaction". I think the two keys here will be clearly and patiently asking for what I need, and also learning to frame life in general as dynamic interaction. 
• Mental illness. Sometimes my brain just breaks. My current strategy is to recognize when my brain is breaking, and just table everything, so that I don't spiral and draw extrapolations that affect the dynamic, and my understanding of it. Also, take vitamins and use coping skills. 
• Gender. My gender stuff is complicated, and may affect how I feel dynamically. I've never been a boy slave. I don't know how to explore that now, but it may come up. 
• Vision. I need an overall purpose, and to know what the big picture goals are. If I don't have that, I start inserting my own. It's a problem. More on this in another post.
• Memory issues. This is fairly self explanatory. This makes blogging extremely important. Other tools include vitamins, and playing logic games like Symmetry. 
• Master's mental health and energy levels. 
• History. We aren't starting from scratch, and there's a lot of history, habits, and other parts of our past together that influence the future, and, especially for me, can bring up fears and insecurities. 

This is all I can think of for the moment, but I may add more.

Journal 7/22/17 Evening

The house feels peaceful and so do I. I was a bit unsettled earlier, and I realized that I was having some sensory processing issues. I thought about the list of coping skills and I went and put on cuffs. It helped . I'm happy that I effectively remembered and used a coping skill. What also helped was eating ice cream and cuddling. I wasn't anxious when Master fell asleep like I normally am, I think because we were all cuddled up. It was best when he was putting some kind of pressure on my head or neck.

Physically: pain in my back, stomach, and abdomen. General nerve pain everywhere. Cold.

Mentally: Slightly more stable. Active, but I mostly just want to sleep. I don't feel depressed or manic really, and not as OCD as yesterday.

Emotionally: See above.

In addition to all of that, I don't exactly feel sexual, though it doesn't sound awful. I really want to give Master a blowjob, though. He just smells so good. Pheromones from testosterone shot, maybe? I feel a little bit playful too. What sounds particularly good is choking, biting, hair pulling, spanking, and caning. Not violent types of those things, but the strong, sensual kind. Like when Master is asleep and does things.

I'm also vividly aware that today marks a week since Master began considering taking me as his slave again. I asked for him to not tell me an amount of time. However, he did say the amount of time in his head was a week to consider.
I'm very anxious (the excited, anticipatory kind) for when he does accept me. I should say "if" but I'm really hoping it's "when".

I'm channeling that anticipation into productivity though. It feels really good.

I'm aware that he's still very tired and drained. I wish that I knew what would be helpful to him. I hope he can get what he needs this weekend. I hope that I can be supportive, despite my own instability.


that's much of how I feel tonight: I hope.

Journal 7/22/17 Morning

Physical: Less pain. Possible UTI, fast heart rate, very tired. I woke up at about 2:30. I ate cornflakes but I'm still hungry,

Mental: I feel foggy, and it's hard to comprehend what people are saying. This might be because I took two hydroxizine last night. Aisha called and tried to tell me something about boxes, and I'm not sure what it was.

Emotionally: I feel simultaneously both apathetic and incredibly anxious. Like I can't imagine how to decide things, but I am also really unsettled by not knowing what the decisions are/will be.

I'm really grateful that I already have direction on what to do today. It's already decided, and I'm already doing it. I'm doing my journals, and reading for 4 hours. I decided to read Becoming A Slave, and I'll write about it as I go.


I'm a little worried about how much it helps to have specific direction. I don't want to rely so heavily on that, that I lose the independence that Master has worked to build in me, because I know that is important. I  need to discuss that with him.

My initial thoughts about that, which may or may not be correct, are that it's ok to ask for specific direction, but I need to be willing to follow the direction without complaint. Also, if the answer is no, I need to either be able to cope without the direction, or go to the hospital. In short: requests are ok, demands and expectations are not.

I'm not sure if that's correct, but that's my understanding at the moment.

Coping Skills

1. Heavy ball
2. Take some fucking tylenol
3. Turn on some music
4. Drink entire cup of water
5. Drink coffee
6. Eat a food
7. Journal
8. Put on cuffs
9. Play Symmetry
10. Edit photos
11. Repaint nails
12. Clean
13. Take a shower/bath
14. Draw on body
15. Take double hydroxizine
16. Masturbate
17. Go the fuck to sleep

Journal 7/21/17 Evening

Physically: My back hurts and itches because it's healing. A lot of muscles are sore. I have a headache/throat/ear/jaw ache, probably from a wisdom teeth flare up. Mast cell reactions have been more frequent and worse today.

Mentally: My OCD is bad again. Definitely manic

Emotionally: In the fight part of fight or flight. Panicky. Alternately shutting down and getting aggressive. Ready to cry. Insecure. Maybe sort of little?

Circumstantial: Nails, hair, vape coil is dead, house is messy.


In good things, the gluten free pizza crust from Papa Murphy's is amazing (Udi's). Master is incredibly perseverant, and I might get out of this mental health crisis yet.

Slaves get choices

"I just want you to take care of me!" I sob, between flogger strikes.

Taking care of myself is so much pressure, and I feel so tired, and scared of failing. I just want to rest in Master's decisions.

As the skin on my back tore open, though, that idea tore open as well.

When I take care of myself, that is him taking care of me as well. I have the skills because he taught them to me.

Remember last post, about how he's a bit of a puppetmaster, and a maze maker, and he Master's through subtle changes? That's not just about molding my character, as it turns out. He's been supporting my health and growth in other ways as well. When I'm upset and reach for my heavy ball or journal, that's because of skills and values he gave me, for example.


And here's the thing that I didn't understand until the other day: everything is more meaningful and rewarding when it's a choice. Being a slave because I feel like I have to in order to cope with life, and I need a standard of behavior because I can't make my own, isn't as good as being a slave because I actively love, respect, and admire my Master's view of life, and choose to commit to it. Serving because I'm made to isn't as much of a gift as serving out of adoration.

A  few months ago, he let me choose whether to be a slave or not. I chose to be a doll instead. I chose to build autonomy, and values, and choices the way I wanted to, though he never left and was always an influence. And now that I have that, I can give it freely, and meaningfully. And in offering, instead of needing it to be ripped from me, I am giving something that will mean more to him as well, and be an asset rather than a detriment.

This is my offering. The gifts he grew in me, that are now mine to give.

Please accept my offering, and take me as your slave again, Master?

First Thoughts

My thoughts on M/s are changing and growing, and it's good, but hard to keep up with. Here's what I'm starting with.

I used to say "A dominant to tells you what to do, while a Master tells you what to be."

And that's not entirely inaccurate. If I were to change that phrase with what I know now, it would read "a dominant guides you in what to do, while a Master guides you in what to be." 

I started slavery in the Gorean branch of things, and I've had to unlearn a lot of philosophies that came from that. 

I use to think that a Master takes a slave and makes them and trains them. The Master gets to make a being to their design and specifically to please them. The slave gets to be taken care of, absolved of worry, responsibility, and fault, so long as they do their best to be pleasing and follow rules. It's a good trade.

WRONG

That view was pretty pathological, actually. See, if I were to be absolved of responsibility, and just "programmed" then I could, in theory, become a pleasing slave, much like a perfectly made robot. That's the dream, right? And gods help me, that still does sound wonderful. My life has had so much trauma and crisis, that being a robot sounds really fucking good.

But that isn't fulfilling. It's lonely. For everyone involved. And it's impossible. And it's crippling. 

See, it's easier to change the direction of a moving object than a static one. And waiting for direction, and training, and force, and programming makes me really hard to direct. It takes more force and more effort to be effective, and it's draining for Master. And in that situation, I'm really not actually static anyway. I'm sinking. I'm not a blank slate. The experiences, traumas, and mental illnesses that I've accumulated over 24 years require active work to stay ahead of. Without that, not only am I hard to direct, I'm moving backwards. And then, not feeling like I'm moving forward or being directed, I just grow resentful.

It's important for me to have forward momentum of my own, especially because no momentum isn't actually possible. And time and life goes on, and so do I.

But as a slave, I would be (and am, although the name isn't there yet) committed to forward momentum, and to responding to the guidance from my Master.

For me, the best analogy is ballroom or swing dancing. I wouldn't stand, waiting for the lead to push my body one direction or other. I move as well as I can, fluidly, and without resistance to the lead's subtle cues. Slavery is a commitment to being the follow in that metaphorical dance.

A slave keeps moving. Another example is a river. It follows the past of least resistance, and adjusts based on the stimulus it receives from the riverbank, rocks, etc. 

My Master's Fetlife name is RobertReins, incidentally. Reins. Not engine. Guiding, not pushing.

What does keeping moving look like? What is the real life application of following the past of least resistance? For me, it's hedonism. I do what feels good. Being healthy feels good, so self care feels good. I follow desire.

My training in Gor taught me to respond to the question "What do you desire?" with "To be pleasing."

That was one of the reasons I ran from my role as a slave. I didn't desire to be pleasing. I had ideas, and values, and plans, and wants. I wanted those.

It turns out, I can have my cake and eat it too, because that isn't what slavery should be. Because my real desire?

To be good.

How do I know what "good" is? Well, I don't believe in morality. "Good" is defined by my Master. And he guides and molds me in that direction. 

I'm not very trusting of other people's view of "good" and I've fought him a lot on his philosophies. After almost 4 years, I'm seeing over and over that he was right, and his vision is better than mine could ever be. That trust has been built, and I commit to following his vision, communicated through
subtleties that I may not yet understand.

That awareness and focus, on keeping forward momentum in this dance, and responding to leads from my Master, is at the core of slavery, as far as I understand.

I offer a commitment to that focus, and to the trust that he will guide me in what to be. I choose his vision of "good".

My Master, my teacher, my diety.

Coming next time: Free is sweeter than forced

Not That Kind Of D-Type

Hi, I'm Orli, and I'm a D-type, as in "doll" not Dominant.

I started over a decade ago as a slave. And I continued that until a little less than a year ago, where I transitioned into the role of "doll"
More on that in another post.

I'm being considered for slavery again, but this time I need to go in knowing what a slave is, and what sets it apart, and how that applies to me. That's what I'll be exploring here. Enjoy, and feel free to engage with questions and comments.

Master, this is my offering to you.