Journal 7/23/17 Evening

It's not even bedtime yet, but I need to write.

I'm very overwhelmed. It's not all bad, but it's a lot.

Master accepted me as his slave. And I'm ecstatic. But it was intense, and still is, and I'm not exactly sure what that feels like, or settled into a groove with the energy. The crystal on my collar is undoubtedly amplifying that.

 I was kind of hoping for a bit more time together and something solidifying or grounding. Play, sex, watersports, shower, talking... I trust that he knows best, but I am a bit disappointed and a bit all over the place (not that those things would necessarily have lessened that, I don't know, but I just had/still have no idea what to expect)

Instead, what came up was spiders and weeds, and fighting with Arcane, and messy kitchen, and all the OCD and triggers. I feel like I can't quite get my footing. I'm hoping journaling will help, and maybe some staying up late by myself, working on assignments, etc. Resuming some normalcy.

How do I become less overwhelmed? I'll look at the list of coping skills after this. It's challenging to not just ask Master to fix it. But I will use the tools that I have.

I imagine it was probably pretty intense for him too, and he's probably also feeling a little bit scattered, or a bit of energetic whiplash. He prioritized the consideration conversation, and likely isn't feeling a whole lot of emotional affirmation for that decision. I am grateful, though. I'll work on showing it. My first step will be to make things as easy for him as possible, if I can.


Physical: I couldn't eat my chicken for dinner for some reason, so I just ate mashed potatoes. I got really sick from heat, to the point of GI problems again. I'm also in a fair bit of overall pain. Still recovering from the impact scene, probably. I think my muscles have finally loosened up enough for me to feel what's out of place. I need to shower, but I'm scared of how sick I will get. I really need to get a shower chair (yellow). Maybe after work tomorrow?

Mental: The OCD is really, really bad today. I need to get my head out of the clouds enough to clean, dye my hair, do my nails, shave... the things that I need to do to lower the list of OCD factors. And then I need to accomplish something. Reading assignment stuff sounds like a good idea.

Emotional: I am unsettled, triggered, hurt (Arcane, not Master) manic, overwhelmed (as mentioned above) ungrounded, insecure, about to cry, excited, sexual, playful (canes/anything on my ass in particular), and scared of losing the good feelings and moments if I don't hold on tight. But slavery is the pragmatic, not the romantic. And pragmatically, what is important is working on the things above.


I feel, actually, a bit more grounded after writing. I have a plan, and I'm zeroed in on the now. I'm excited to accomplish it. I'm confident in what I CAN do. And I've sort of prioritized what needs to be addressed first.
I also feel "more real". I really need to get a better understanding of dissociation, because I think I detach from reality, but only partially, and it unsettles me. It needs grounding, but a different kind, I think.

Journaling does seem to be incredibly important or a lot of areas. I really need to make sure to commit to keeping up with it.


Ok. Game plan:

1. Take hydroxizine and clonidine from night meds.
2. Finish Netflix episode.
3. Put dye in hair
4. While it sets, do some tidying in the living room/bathroom.
5. Get a snack
6. Shower
7. Pending physical feelings, read/write or watch Netflix.
8. Short journal, meds, bed.