Journal 7/24/17 Afternoon

I am not ok today. I'm anxious, but not the kind that drives you to do stupid things. The kind that freezes you in place. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go to Walmart and then Sidewinders to make Marcus' outfit. I don't want to put on anything but sweatpants and long sleeves. I've barely eaten. I've been shaking all day, even when I did eat. I had one client today, and then 3 that canceled, although one might come tomorrow. My body doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it's attached to me. Dysphoria, but I don't think it's gender based. I think I anxiety-ed myself into a mast cell reaction earlier, complete with fever. I feel like I need to withdraw from Sidewinders altogether, no title, go to no shows, talk to no one. I hate being viewed as unstable or flaky (at best). I want to have no commitments outside of the house. I guess I'm still overwhelmed.

I need to go to a psych. I made an appointment at Truman Center, but It's not until mid December. I'm hoping I can go to UNM urgent care soon. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. I don't know what I need, and I'm scared. I'm scared of new meds, and of being set off and having to go to the hospital again, and of losing the progress I've made. I'm scared of the world, I'm scared of my body, I'm scared of doctors who don't believe or understand, I'm scared of not having doctors. I'm scared of food and drink.

I can't even think straight enough to separate into categories of physical, mental, and emotional.

Things I've tried to feel better today:

-Five hour energy shot
-Dyeing my hair
-Showering
-Shaving
-Masturbating
-Netflix
-Nap


Right now, I just turned on music. Maybe I can do some productive things to feel better. But I don't want to set off my mast cells anymore.


I'm worried too, because is it just coincidental that I feel so helpless right after beginning again as a slave? I hope it's not related. I really don't want to fuck this up this time.