Journal 7/30/17 Mid Evening - Incident Discussion

This is my understanding of what just happened:

Prior agreements to my understanding:

-Master will tell me about plans ahead of time so I can adjust my brain. Sudden things throw me for a loop. Telling me plans involves:

-Master will tell me when he will be home by, and if that needs to change, he will update me before that time, with a new time.

-Master will tell me what he thinks will happen, and where he will be, and he will not do more than that if it is at all within his power.

Tonight:

-I was talking about being sick, when Robert said his timing was awful and then told me he was planning to go have coffee with Beth on her side of town.
This was the first I heard of this plan. (Breaks first agreement)
Also, it was really an unhelpful time to bring that up. Kind of sounds like "It sucks that you're sick, because of this plan that I didn't tell you about yet."
It's very difficult to hear how I'm involved in a cause of unhappiness by being sick, while I'm sick. Additionally to that difficulty, it's very hard to have a new plan sprung on me, thus the first agreement. It's also scary to me to feel like an agreement is being broken. Agreements give me a sense of stability and security. They are concrete, concise, and specific. (Aspergers mixed with PTSD, I think.)


I definitely started to spiral, and want to know what was so significant and important that he would break agreements, and dismiss my concerns (which were with him being so far away, with the state of Aisha and I, and the pre-discussed, even with Master, plan for bloodplay), and to do so in what both Aisha and I percived as a loud, agressive manner. His response was that I didn't use yellow or red, to which I said that ideally he wouldn't force me to. [sidenote: we need to redefine what red and yellow mean]

Finally, I said yeah, please don't go, because you are breaking agreements. He seemed unhappy, but agreed, and said we would talk about it later. He said he wanted to go for a drive, and asked if I needed anything before then. He agreed to go no further than 10 minutes away, and either be back by 12:30 or give me an updated time. He did that. That was actually very helpful and reassuring.


This journal brought to you by Aisha telling me to stop talking until the journal was done, and then to not rant about it anymore. (Toppy Aisha? What?)


Possibly relevant information: I apparently didn't take meds this morning, which I'm sure affects cognitive and emotional functioning, and the levels of pain and sickness caused by missing Cymbalta in particular, probably contributed to how nervous I was about him being across town so far.