Still a rough day.
I don't know if it's just in my head, but the texture of all the furniture and all the floors and nearly everything else is grainy and bad. It's really adding to my anxiety. The kitchen is a huge mess, and it's really getting to be a problem. Everything everywhere is gross. I'm staying calm and not spiraling, but my anxiety is really bad. I don't know how to deal with Arcane. I'm leaving that to Master, but I'm pretty affected by all of this. And considering that I was not successful trying to get my meds adjusted, I'm concerned about reaching crisis levels at any moment.
I want to just zip around and clean everything up, but I don't have the spoons for how my OCD will drive that. My body is very unhappy today, and it's not just joints. I'm having a fair bit of organ/internal pain and sickness.
My only client today was really shitty also. He just grabbed and pushed and uggghhh I'm tired of being manhandled. I think I might have been triggered, because I got really sick feeling, like I do if I exit a scene too quickly. And he kept asking what else we could do, and I told him nothing and then he kept pushing and finally I said "the option where you leave is availiable. Seriously, get out." And he told me how ride that was to do and that he'd post all over the internet and facebook about me. Once he left, I did some research and got his full name, his wife's full name, and his job. I told him "Don't do anything stupid. I'd hate to have to tell Kesha about this" He came back into the driveway, and I the door. He apparently thought better of it, because he then drove away.
I'm really not sure what to do with myself, so I'm hiding in the bedroom, where it's at least sort of clean. The bed still feels oily and grainy, and I'm so itchy too.
I haven't had energy to text the pika at all today. I'd love if I could go see Mars. I like him, and his apartment is so clean. Immaculate and comfortable.
Basically, this is a long string of complaints. I'm generally unhappy with this house/household. I'm very tempted to just sleep to escape. But I need to be able to sleep tonight.
Things are good with Master, though. Movie time last night was great. Cuddles feel so good lately. I want them more than sex. All the cuddles. Maybe some play.
I'm finding that journaling is really grounding, in a way. Having to write words, forces my brain to focus on one thing at a time. I'm pretty happy about that.
Physical: itchy, pain, tired, headache
Mental: Clear headed, not too manic or racing but not shut down either.
Emotional: Anxious, OCD, triggered?, droppy, could be little easily, could be the scared kind of angry easily, a little jumpy
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