Journal 7/22/17 Morning

Physical: Less pain. Possible UTI, fast heart rate, very tired. I woke up at about 2:30. I ate cornflakes but I'm still hungry,

Mental: I feel foggy, and it's hard to comprehend what people are saying. This might be because I took two hydroxizine last night. Aisha called and tried to tell me something about boxes, and I'm not sure what it was.

Emotionally: I feel simultaneously both apathetic and incredibly anxious. Like I can't imagine how to decide things, but I am also really unsettled by not knowing what the decisions are/will be.

I'm really grateful that I already have direction on what to do today. It's already decided, and I'm already doing it. I'm doing my journals, and reading for 4 hours. I decided to read Becoming A Slave, and I'll write about it as I go.


I'm a little worried about how much it helps to have specific direction. I don't want to rely so heavily on that, that I lose the independence that Master has worked to build in me, because I know that is important. I  need to discuss that with him.

My initial thoughts about that, which may or may not be correct, are that it's ok to ask for specific direction, but I need to be willing to follow the direction without complaint. Also, if the answer is no, I need to either be able to cope without the direction, or go to the hospital. In short: requests are ok, demands and expectations are not.

I'm not sure if that's correct, but that's my understanding at the moment.