Journal 7/27/17 Evening

Physical: Neck, shoulders, arms, back, hips, knees, throat, hands all hurting. My shoulder is subluxed. My heart rate is really up and down it feels like. My whole body itches. Headache. Can't feel Master biting, it doesn't register as any kind of pain.

Mental: Either racing thoughts or dissociation/sleep/giving up. I've gotten through the day by doing each task that is directly in front of me, and just that. But it's hard for me to maintain that, unless I take double hydroxizine, and I really don't want to make a habit of misusing medications like that. Dissociation actually seems to be an ok thing, until someone like Aisha needs me to connect. Like today. When she just showed up. And had a major back convulsion problem.

Emotional: Pretty similar. My OCD, anxiety, etc. are pretty bad. I feel really bad that I can't figure out anything to do except ask Master for help. I'm really worried about dumping my issues on him again, or seeming like I'm doing that. And I was getting better at asking for the specific thing I needed, but now I don't even know what that is. My heart hurts, not just because it feels awful to not have a solution, but because that stuff is getting added to his plate. I know he's tired. I know everything is verging on too much. It's part of why I'm so angry at Arcane, I think.

I'm both proud of myself and disappointed in myself. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing to ask.

Hopefully I can sleep, and tomorrow I will focus on following. If things are going to be bad, at least I can maintain forward motion, and not be stuck trying to figure out a direction.