Journal 11/9/17 Afternoon

I am very tired. My body hurts. I've done a lot today, and had a few days of not optimal sleep. I wore a corset for the client we took, which helped my back some. I'm running out of mana and hitpoints both, but I am going to just not let myself stop until I have to, or until Master comes home, whichever comes first. I plan to eat a protein shake for dinner. Maybe, if I can, I'll take a bath tonight.

I accomplished a lot. I booked, and took, a triple client, and he upgraded to full service with the Curio. I cleaned the kitchen. I applied Master for both Medicaid (I thin if his monthly living costs are spun to be high enough, he might qualify) and Obamacare, which is reasonable, but wouldn't start until January 1.

I spent hours finding all of the info that I needed, comparing quotes and fine print and companies for auto insurance, and figuring out the best coverage to balance a low premium with things we actually will use (like roadside assistance). Additionally, I had to look at not just monthly cost, but also the upfront deposit. In oddly cliche news, we will save a lot of money by switching to Gieco! I can actually get that taken care of by tomorrow at the latest, as well as the registration.


It feels so fucking good to be able to do all of this without getting overwhelmed. Having both the mental capacity and the energy to get things figured out is something I really missed. I finally feel useful again, and like I have something to offer besides loyalty and companionship. I can serve with my brain again! And that also makes up for my broken body.
I'm so grateful that Master didn't give up on me, or let me give up.


In other news, the neighbor's music is driving me crazy. All goddamn day.

11/9/17 Journal Morning

Physical: I'm a bit sore and hot from cleaning the kitchen, but I was able to do that, and to mop the kitchen floor and the floor from the doorway to the stairs. Yay for extra hitpoints!
I am still on my period, and I don't have a sponge, so that is annoying. I'm wondering about getting the pure cotton no chemical tampons from Target. Maybe that would help the issues that tampons give me.
My body is sore too often lately. I think I need to go back to avoiding gluten. Maybe there's a laxative I could use instead until the GI issues are taken care of?

Mental: I'm clear headed, and moving quickly. I do seem able to focus though, and not too fixated. I wonder what is helping? I made an entire pot of coffee his morning, maybe that's why.

Emotional: I feel so fulfilled and happy. Giving Master a massage last night, and doing his hair and everything was incredibly recharging. The more I actively love and serve, the more I want to. It's like a snowball effect.
My emotions are very close to the surface today, but seem to be controllable. I'm not used to feeling emotions so readily, but I think this is what I used to be like before ECT. I think it's not bad, I'm just not used to it anymore. Passion is scary, because passion can = fixation and instability. But I think I can use it for good effects.

Today, I'm going to put 100% of my passion into everything I do, and I am going to focus on making sure everything I do is in service to my Master. I'll update as I go along.

I'm also reading through some old emails and such. I'll do that when I need a break from whatever I'm doing, and write thoughts here.

I'm setting my intentions for remembering: remembering my passion, my previous training, the things I've felt, the ways I've been. I'm excited.

Journal 11/2/17 Morning

Physical: I'm mast cell reacting a lot lately, and therefore overheating a lot. My elbows are cracked and bleeding. My back is hurting from doing dishes and cleaning the floors. And my vagina is very, very, very sore and itchy.

Mental: Focusing is easier today than it has been in a while. I'm being pretty productive. I woke up at 7:30, client at 9:30, I did my ISD application, did dishes, cleaned the floors... 

Emotional: I don't even know? I know I felt more easily triggered with that one client. I feel fairly scared of/repulsed by sexual things in general. I just want a cold room, and my Master, and cuddles. 

I'm worried about rent, and worried about finances in general. I couldn't clean all the way because we are out of dishwasher soap and garbage bags, so that doesn't feel great. 

This all sounds really negative, but it's actually not too bad of a day. I'm just really bad at regulating my emotions right now/ 

Journal 10/30/17 Morning

I haven't written these in awhile. I keep meaning to, and I've just been having a hard time focusing lately. But I'm going to make it a priority, at least twice a day, and I would like, if it's available, some accountability (though I will not rely on that)

Physical: Things hurt. I'm very tired. My sleep last night was restless. My allergies are bad. My head hurts. The UTI I was afraid of seems to have calmed down, mostly.

Mental and Emotional:

There is the aforementioned lack  of focus, also alternating with extreme hyperfocus. It's really odd. I'm a little jumpier than usual, and alternating between very hungry and not hungry at all. I am also a bit disconcerted, because I still feel engaged with my life, and I am still conscious of wants and likes and dislikes, but I dont feel a lot of emotion. I feel untouchable. I feel like nothing particularly matters. I feel nihilistic. I don't care about much of anything (except my dynamic and my Master, but that is much more a choice and commitment than a feeling currently.)

....and now I lost focus and forgot what else I was going to write.

Conclusions of tonight's play

We've gotten kind of disconnected, and there's some rebuilding of trust to be done. The tuna scene broke a lot of things.

I can't even orgasm fully. Under any conditions.

How to go about any of that? We'll have to figure that out tomorrow. Which means more thinking, instead of emotion. Hopefully tonight took enough of an edge off to make that possible.

Tonight was the third time in two days that I've asked permission to cuddle and he said no. I asked to sit on the floor by him and he said no. And my vulnerable heart is hurting. Have I done something wrong? Have I become overall less desirable?

He's disengaged from opinions on how I dress, look, what I own. What holes and adornementare in my
What did I do wrong?

Am I a bad doll? Will I ever be a good one?

I'm good enough to be fucked, barely.

How am I failing? Please let me work on it. I promise to be better, I just don't understand what I have to do.

Doll

I want to serve and submit publicly, and perfectly, and beautifully. I've trained for years. I've trained others. I want to feel beautiful, and make others envy my Master, and reflect well on him. Public protocol and service brings many feelings to many people in an area.  Envy, joy, discomfort. As any art does. Art brings forth emotion. Things you feel, things you miss feeling, things you long to feel, things you are afraid of feeling.
I am, in high protocol form, that art, and I long to be displayed. 

Dolls are for display. Dolls are for visually sharing. Dolls are larger than life, in ways that are beautiful, and ways that cause discomfort, but always, always, in ways that make one FEEL.

Let me feel, and let me make YOU, all of you, feel. Let me show you my art.

OH MY GODS I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BABY MAKING PLANS AS YOU PRETEND I'M NOT IN THE ROOM. NOT WHILE BLOOD IS POURING FROM MY VAGINA LIKE IT DID WHEN MY FIVE BABIES DIED. NOT WHEN ONE OF YPU SUPPOSEDLY CAME TO SEE ME. NOT WHEN YOU'RE NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH ME BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GO MAKE A BABY. STOP. STOP. FUCKING STOP. I CAN'T. FUCK OFF.

Journal 10/9/17 Afternoon

Physical: I have a headache from allergies, and I knocked my back out of place from cleaning the kitchen (but hooray clean kitchen!) My legs disappeared earlier and I ended up on the ground surrounded by glass. So that's not great. But I rested my legs and had salt and water and I can at least walk unassisted now. I didn't take any clonidine this morning, and I ate cottage cheese which I think helped. Beth is bringing home Freddy's, so that's good too. I'm actually bleeding again.

Mental and emotional: I'm very dissociated today. I'm having trouble connecting to anyone. But I'm doing well pretending! Beth and I had a client who wanted to watch us together, and I did well at that and with interacting with the client. And Solomon was scratching me while I cleaned the kitchen and I responded normally, I think. I have almost had emotions several times, but I kmow they are spirally and instable, so I'm just letting myself dissociate. Last night was rough, but I cant even think about it because I'm so foggy from dissociating. I would like to find a time for catharsis and processing and dealing with all those things though.

I've noticed that I'm pretty active and bouncy, until I lay on the bed. I don't know if I need to cleanse the bed, or if I am just responding to being horizontal. Either way, I'm pretty stuck if I lay on the bed.

Cuddles feel good. Kissing feels good. I want to cuddle amd kiss with Beth. I'm definitely developing some feelings there, and I suspect they are too.

I asked Solomon to cut me later. We'll see howthat goes.

Journal 10/5/17 Afternoon

I am so proud of myself. I drank a fuckton last night, nursed myself through the misery, woke up of my own voilition, and have been working on hydrating, pretty successfully! I took two clients, and actually did my best with them. I even showered this morning! In fact, my hangover cure was a five hour energy, buttery toast, gatorade, and excedrine, followed by a shower. It worked fairly well! And I fed Beth and I cheesy eggs.

Physical: I'm tense and sore. Also, um, blood and mucus from my digestive system? I feel fairly fevershish, tired, and so, so hungry. I can't stop shaking. But I'm fairly functional!

Mental: It's hard to focus, but all things considered, I'm doing pretty good.

Emotional: I really want touch. The client who cuddled with us helped some. The full moon isnt affecting me as much as it normally does.

Journal 10/2/17 Morning

Goddamnit. I lack all the self control, apparently. I bit Solomon's neck really hard, and now he's pissed. Understandably. And I'm crashing now, and it's my own fault. Ugh.

Physical: I didn't take a muscle relaxer last night because I fell asleep unexpectedly. Also, I dislocated my shoulder pretty badly, just from leaning on it. Solomon helped me fix it, but it still hurts. I suspect that my body hurts more than I realize at the moment.

Mental: I'm kind of foggy and very lucid all at the same time. I just want to sleep, not really because I'm tired, but because I'm just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed isn't the right word, but I can't think of a good one. I would like a break, even from good things. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel like there's not enough sleep in the world.

Emotional: Uhhhhhh... this question is too hard.

Journal 9/29/17 Morning

Physical: These nosebleeds are getting really annoying. And I'm having a hard time with physical exhaustion, because of not having enough oxygen. But at least I have Singulair now, so that should get better. Otherwise I'm pretty ok. Coffee seems to help with regulating my heart and blood pressure.

Mental: I cannot fucking focus, and my executive functioning is really messed up. I'm overwhelmed by how much needs to be done, because I jump mentally from task to task. I think I'm going to try writing out a list/plan for the order of things. I really need to talk to Dr. Vera about this on Wednesday. I really just want to work, because it's so concrete and easy to focus on. But it's really irritating that I can't plan around Beth because she's so inconsistent and isn't making or sticking to plans. So I can't even book people properly. Like, we were supposed to have a double at 3:30 but she isn't even here.

Emotional: Pretty much covered by the above. I really need the house and backyard dealt with. It's a mess and I'm sick of it. I hoped with more space Arcane would try to not make the whole house a mess. Like, keep the trash and ghetto nonsense controlled.

I didn't wake up until 1 today, and so I didn't get meds until almost 2. They weren't even made when I woke up. At least when Master was doing them they were made in advance.

I'm irritable, and hot, and bitchy, and scattered, and constantly shaking. Ugh.

Journal 9/28/17 Morning

I really need to get back into writing journals. There's no excuse.

Physical: I took a shower and shaved everything, so that's nice. I'm not hurting too bad. I can't breathe very well, and I can't get my heart rate down. I suspect that those are connected. the heart rate bit is making me really jittery though.

Mental: Reiterating the jittery part. It's hard to focus. I don't have brain fog, but I do have racing thoughts, and I'm forgetting what I'm doing frequently because of it. I've done a bit of cleaning, but in increments because I keep getting distracted.

Emotional: I'm fairly anxious, and on the verge of tears, but I don't feel sad. I feel pretty good actually. Going to sleep little helps with drop.

I'm going out with Mars tonight. I'm pretty anxious about missing work hours, but I also never get to see him. I'm a little concerned about being out of the house at a public place I'm not used to, but I'm going to try it.

Journal 9/19/17 Morning

Things feel much more under control, and so do I. Here's what helped:

Last night:

-My furniture is all moved to what used to be Aisha 's room

-The bathroom is clean

-My legs and underarms are shaved finally, and my body is washed

-I rubbed lotion into my whole body

-I helped with organizing my room, including my jewelry!

-I practiced some magic.

-I unpacked boxes.

-I cleaned my room

-There is a plan for each thing that was on the list, Hooray for a little making plans!


Today:

-I showered and washed my hair

-Beth is here

-The ads are posted.

-I ate a food

-I'm sitting at an actual set up desk, getting things done


I feel a little more control over things.


Physical: A little achey, a little itchy, but overall better. Hibiclens has worked wonders for my uti and yeast infection issue, and the acne that was popping up on my face. And I got that hideous hair gel washed out finally. I went to bed at six in the morning, but I feel ok.

Mental: I'm fairly clear headed. I got really good sleep last night. Sleeping alone really is good for me. I like sleeping with Master because of the cuddles and closeness, and the lion energy. I like relaxing into that could of strength. But I also like waking up with not all my energy stolen.

Emotional: I'm so glad to be around Beth. I missed her a lot. And I'm talking to Caleb, which is also nice. We haven't had a good conversation like this is months. I also burned sage and lit grounding and love candles last night, which I think was really helpful. I feel like a bunch of releasing happened.

Journal 9/18/17 Evening

I just realized that I'm having some pretty significant control issues. Which I know is a PTSD issue, though I have never figured out from what.

I had no control over the situation with Aisha. I didn't even get to have a conversation about that decision.

The effort I went to for the pageant wasn't reflected, and I had no control over that.

My depression is not under control.

I'm not doing very well controlling my addictive tendencies.

My animals keep getting out of the house, and I can't get control of that.

Despite my best efforts, my house is a mess.

My nails are a mess.

The old house stuff is out of control.

A bunch of my stuff that I use all the time is in boxes, and there's nowhere in my room to put them.

There's not the things I'm used to having in my house as far as food and water.

On that note, because of the lack of door shelves, the refrigerator is a disorganized mess

The pantry can't be unpacked because for unknown reasons it was filed with random not pantry items. Wtf.

There's too many body noises everywhere.

The list goes on.


I really need my life to have some kind of control and order.

I am too depressed to initate those activities. Also I'm not able bodied and can't drive.

Master has such an emotional, reactive response when I bring these things up. I think he doesn't get that I'm rapidly losing my shit. This is the kind of thing that sends me to the hospital.  I need some things off the list of chaos. I need things fixed. And I'm going to have this PTSD spiral until that happens.

It's not fair. It's not fair that I've been trying so hard to hold my emotions back for so long, and you couldn't hold back yours, and yours included being some kind of upset with me, and added the last thing I can take to the flood, and the dam is breaking. And it started breaking, and I started crying, and you verbally expressed negative feelings about that. To which I tried to compose myself.

And now I'm in my room alone and my carefully constructed dam is broken, and this time I don't know if I can stop the flood. I'm left to comfort myself and pull myself together and I don't know if I can. The only direction that seems effective is bitterness, but that will be worse and probably isn't sustainable anyway. I don't know how much time I have left doing anything besides sobbing endlessly. I'm buying time but it's getting more expensive by the minute. You pushed the button that broke the thing, and still I only get the comfort I can pull from myself. It's not fair, and it may not even be possible.

And nowhere is safe. Kierna and my little are both sad and scared and crying too.

Journal 9/12/17 Evening

Physical: My back is sore, and my orthostatic intolerance was bad today. I'm tired, but not sleeping.

Mental: It's really helpful to have a correct diagnosis, more than I had anticipated. I didn't realize how many different ways depression could manifest. I had a fair bit of trouble today keeping focused and starting tasks. I feel like I wasn't as productive as I had hoped, but I did get some things done. I did dishes, and swept and mopped. I took one client. I did grocery shopping. I worked on my pageant wig. I fed myself. I guess overall it wasn't too bad of a day. It just seems to take a while to build myself up into doing a task.

I wish I understood what causes my times of intense energy and focus and productivity. I used to think that was mania. But maybe that is just "normal" as compared to a depressive state.

This oil diffuser necklace was a good choice. I'm using cedarwood and bergamot currently. I find myself smelling it many times a day, and it helps a whole lot.

Emotional: I don't know how I feel. I know tiny bits of sadism feel really good. I know I haven't cried or spiraled today. I know that I'm easily confused and emotional today. Tomorrow I want to call Dr. Vera and see if my Effexor can be increased. I really want to play, and I really want to have the capacity to feel sexual, even though I really son't necessarily feel a lot of that now.

I'm happy Artemis is home. I was really worried. Now I just want Arcane home.

Master is really starting to worry me. He hasn't had his medication in days, and he's not acting like himself. It's a bit unsettling. I'm also not terribly fond of how much he is de-prioritizing finding his medication. It's pretty important, and he did promise to stay on top of it.

I don't really know where things are at, but I'm really ready for a routine again, and I'm trying very hard to restore some normalcy to my life. taking meds at consistent times every day seems to be pretty important, and I am trying to take them at the same time every day.

I think Radu and I are starting to reach an equilibrium finally. I'm a little bit worried about her withdrawal process.

On that note, I am very ready for bed.

I love you, Master, and I would really like to offer some direct service soon.

Journal 9/11/17 Morning

Withdrawals are over, moving isn't over, but our schedule is back to normal, so it's time to get back on track with journals.

Physical: I'm hurting a whole lot. I dislocated a bunch in my sleep. I'm also really hot and dizzy. I got out of bed before 11 (the goal was between 9:30 and 10) and I've eaten, taken meds, and cleaned the kitchen already. I'd be pretty thrilled if my vagina would quit bleeding, so I could stop itching and smelling like fish.

Mental: I'm clear headed, but so sleepy. I don't have a whole lot of mana, exemplified by how I haven't responded to people's texts yet.

Emotional: I'm incredibly stressed that the old house isn't empty yet, and not all of our stuff is here. More than that, though, I don't like not having my whole family where I know they are safe. Arcane, Artemis, and Luna are all missing. I really don't like it.

 The stack of bed in the living room is a bit stressful too. I have no idea how I feel otherwise. So, Neutral-stressed I guess is where I am today. I miss Arcane like crazy.


My healthcare coordinator is coming in about ten minutes, and after that I'm going to get everything ready to work. Hopefully I'll be able to do some unpacking between clients, but working is the most important right now.

I also really need to dye my hair, hopefully today, and I'm planning on naptime with Radu.

Additions to stress:
-The home condition checklist was supposed to have been in on the 4th.
-I don't know what is going on with the pool key
-We really need to get mail keys, but how do we do that without a printed copy of the lease?
-Cat food?

 Whether it's intended or perceived, I just feel so much pressure to be ok, and to not be so complicated, and not have had an unexpected reaction to what was apparently, to Master, a basic, fun thing. And if he felt that way, fine. But how can he not see that it was anything but basic and simple to me? He seemed to see that last night, at least I thought...
How can you purposely overload every one of my five senses with awful stimuli and expect it to be simple? That alone takes a whole lot of comforting, and will leave me fragile and vulnerable and even more easily overwhelmed for a pretty significant amount of time.
How can you see my pride and vanity, my anchors when everything else is gone, be stripped away entirely, for the first time in my life, and expect that to be simple, and simple to recover from? It's terrifying. It is the most terrifying, tramatic thing I've ever experienced. Ever. In my life. And I'm trying to deal with threat while dealing with three consequences of complete sensory overload and aspie meltdown,  spacey, drop...
I'm willing to follow Master into dark, scary, traumatic and terrible places. But I need a way out of them too.
And it's awful to hear that if I knew it would be different and hard and deviate from the original plan, that I should have put the brakes on.
The minute he smeared awful, degrading things into my face was the moment that course changed from adult giggly sadist/masochist things to something else entirely, and the place where I utterly lost my ability to process information or consent.

With anyone else, I would not have allowed that to happen. I would have been on guard. I would have considered that potentially a consent violation. Or, at times when Master specifically tells me to be on guard and say something before I get to a certain point, I can. But none of that happened. I trusted my Master, and that's never a thing I'm ok with regretting, much less faulted for.
I'm ok with something being a mistake. But in a scene, unless I disobey, it's his mistake. I'm ok with him making mistakes, and we'll figure out the consequences together. I'm not ok with being reprimanded. And hearing that is so, so confusing and hurtful and like stabbing me right in the heart while I'm most vulnerable. I'm overwhelmed with hurt.

I got up and walked outside to try to be less overwhelmed. It was hot, so when he asked if I still needed to be outside, I said no, I needed to get out of the heat. But I'm still overwhelmed and vulnerable and so hurt. My senses are easy to overwhelm. I'm energetically vulnerable. I'm easily startled. I feel sick to my stomach, and I'm trying not to sob my makeup off (there's that fundamental vanity/pride again)

I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to take responsibility for that myself. I'm not sure I'm doing well. I'm afraid that Master is upset by that too. I'm so vulnerable to that feeling. I feel like I can't win. There's no way for me to be good. I don't have enough hands to put my pieces back together, and I'm so fragile that I'm crumbling more as I try.

No acne has ever, ever effected me or my sense of self more intensely. No scene has ever been harder, mentally and emotionally. No scene even comes close.

Was that pride breaking part of the scene last night a mistake? I know it was unintended. Was it bad? Am I bad? Please tell me if it was a mistake, if you broke me and didn't mean to and don't want that. Tell me what was true and what was pretend. Tell me how scenes can work with things being pretend. Help me be comforted and healed from the damage, if you see it as damage. Help me process the apparently accidental trauma. Bring me back up, and feel unhappy about breaking me. I can trust you to make mistakes, because I know that you'll never give up on fixing the things you break.

If it was a mistake but a good one, or it wasn't a mistake and was good, please let me know that. Help me reconcile healing with how that affects my entire identity. It's confusing, and scary, and if it's not a thing to write off, I need help understanding, and knowing how to integrate myself with those feelings.

I feel, since last night, disgusting, humiliated, and unsure who I am, or where to pull strength from within myself. I know, in my mind, that I should pull strength from somewhere, beacause of how Master has trained me. Emotionally, I'm unsure, until I know if this was a scene I just don't understand, or a scene that went bad, our something I should have known was pretend. Does he even know the answer to that?

I'm so lost, so broken, so overwhelmed, so fragile, so vulnerable, so confused. Where do I go from here? What should the pieces look like after they are picked up? I can't even pick them up by myself.

I feel shame and self loathing that I was brought to such a low point. I feel shame and self loathing that I can't know what to do and put myself back together. I know this is the opposite of what he wants or likes. Did I break his trust by following all spacey and not considering what would happen, or that that was not prenegotiated? I didn't even know that I needed to pre negotiate and not just let go. Should I have known? Am I stupid?
I feel shame that I'm causing so much fuss. I feel shame that it's hard for me to understand and communicate.

And I'm so scared, because I've never felt actual shame (and the associated vulnerability) like this before. This is the result of stripping my pride.

I'm scared.

Journal 8/27/17 Morning

Physical: I'm on four hours of sleep. I have a yeast, and maybe bacterial infection. It itches like crazy. I am trying to treat it with a garlic clove. My muscles are still sore, but I don't actually feel like I'm experiencing cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. I'm also ravenously hungry.

Mental: Competent and clear headed, at least in vocabulary.

Emotional: Spacey. Maybe a bit lost, but also content to be lost as long as I'm left here. I'm not sure what my emotional trajectory should be, both for today, and going forward. What do I take from this scene? Do I keep the broken-pride thing? For how long? What does/should that look like? It's a lot to process. I don't know where to start, so for now, I'm not. Which I guess indicates that I'm still in hardcore no-decisons, need-orders after play mode. But I'm not particularly anxious about it. I'm in some weird kind of stastis.

Journal 8/26/17 Afternoon

I'm feeling way better than I was yesterday, physically. Just some dizziness and extra exhaustion. I slept all day.

My impulsivity is up though. Wayyyy up.

In notable impulsive things, I decided to delete my old Facebook, so  I posted that for the next few days people can message me if they still want to stay in touch. So I've been talking to one of my cousins and one of my higschool best friends, who I'm meeting for coffee next weekend? It's actually, I think, a really good thing. Keep people I can still sustainably love from my old life, kill off the rest of that life and burn the bridge. It's actually a nice balance from my usual all or nothing. But it may affect my emotions a bit as I process old connections being approached in a new way.

I'm fairly affixed on concepts that I guess used to be talked about as punishment, but not in a punishment kind of way. I've been looking for the right word all day and I finally found it: cruelty. I crave cruelty.

Other than that, life is fairly standard. I have no gender today.

Journal 8/24/17 Morning

Physical: Tired, but not as bad as yesterday. More stiff than in pain. Still, the comfy clean bed looks amazing to sink into.

Mental: foggy, but not terrible. No racing thoughts. I can kind of focus.

Emotional: Master really stole my energy last night and this 0morning, and I am feeling the void. I'm not even sure what I feel, because I don't have the mana to feel it.

Journal 8/23/17 Afternoon

I am in a weird a fucking mood.

I was really fussy, and then I remembered that this morning I was not happy about working because I had to be a girl. I went and put on boy clothes and felt significantly better.

Today, for some reason, I was really obsessive about snuff porn. I have no idea where that came from. Not just asphyxiation either. Like, beheading, and then fucking the head since it stays sentient for a bit. Or nipples cut off with a knife. Or impaling on a pike, and then being roasted and eaten. Or a table saw slicing someone in half, while sentient, starting with the vagina. I'm still all worked up just writing about it. I don't know whether I want to be the person being killed or doing the killing. Can I have both? I want my pain, I want others' pain. I want blood, and bone, and screams, and something inhuman. I could kill someone tonight, with a dull knife, and enjoy it.
Is this what people call bloodlust?

I feel masculine, I feel primal, not like a genet, but something else.

I did some playing with magic. I feel powerful, but uncontrolled.

I'm also aware that I might sound delusional and unstable. I really actually don't care. I want to cut something, or to bleed, or to kill or to nearly die, but not quite. I want to wreak havok with sorcery. I want to toy with prey. I want control, or, less so, to be utterly controlled. I feel powerful, and dark, and glimmering.

Journal 8/22/17 Evening

I'm lying in bed next to Master, in minimal pain and minimal anxiety, having had a very productive day, and with mana (my new word for spoons) to spare.

My slave self is affirmed because of Master's praise.

My little self is thrilled by having been very good. Good enough for a snow cone!

Kierna is appeased by having so much time out!

Doll is glowing, internally and externally, because actual face washing and new moisturizer are very rejuvenating, and my skin has needed it badly.

I've been cycling between physical tasks and static tasks, with some rest thrown in. I'm running out of mana fast as ever. But it's recharging comparatively quickly.

I wish I knew what worked today. I want to keep doing it. I can't help but feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Possible positive factors:

- altar set up
- planner
- sleeping primal
- decent food
- sitting outside
- having a goal (being good enough for a snow cone. Concretely measureable!)


Maybe it's a combination of everything. I have to just keeping seeing what helps, and keep as many of those things going as possible. Here's wishes for an equally good day tomorrow!

For now, it's time for sleep.

Your slavedollpet loves you, Master! 💋

Journal 8/21/17 Afternoon

That eclipse today really threw neme for a loop. It was like a full moon except way, way more intense. I woke up feeling good (I slept primal again), and about the time the eclipse hit, I was so, so drained, and everything felt like it was slow motion. Simultaneously, I was really, really overwhelmed. As soon as I finished my first client, I should have had another, but he quit responding, so I slept through the rest of the eclipse. When I woke up, I felt good again. It was very strange.

My first client was very shy. He was really young, and didn't know what to expect. He just stared at the ceiling. I wasn't even sure what he was consenting to. It was really disconcerting.

I was fairly productive today, though. I called the rental agency, and got answers to all of my questions. I asked Bailey for proof of income. I called about my Ulta order. I was ready for my first client, who came at 10:40. I caught up my work records.

I still have spoons, just not physical ones. I'm still hurting a fair bit (nerve and muscle pain, and my hand) But I'm clear headed, and emotionally calm. A lot of my biggest stressors are resolved.
I'm not sure what to do with my spoons. Maybe catch up paperwork and online things. And slice that watermelon.

I'd be happy with just about anything tonight. I'm fine working and relaxing on my own, even if Master leaves the house. I can adapt to spending time together, too, particularly if I have a heads up to transition my brain. I can talk, or not talk. The park sounds very nice, as long as there is a comfortable place to sit.

I do need some time to debrief about practical things today, though.

I'm overall pretty happy. Right now I'm writing and vaping outside, listening to goth music, and enjoying the breeze and cool air. The bugs aren't even bothering me.

What an unexpected and lovely reprieve from the frenzy of late.

Journal 8/20/17 Evening

Physical: hurting. Hand and right rib are the worst.

Mental: Calm, clear headed and motivated. I got a planner today! Shaving Master with my straight razor yesterday seemed to help me calm down.

Emotional: I fell asleep and woke up this morning as a genet, and I think it helped. In particular it was grounding. I also got to get a rainbow of candles and re-set up my altar. I'm low on spoons, but I think it's mostly pain related. Nothing feels super overwhelming, and I'm hoping that will continue tomorrow. I'm a little anxious about whether we will get the house we want. I really hope so.
I'm excited to sleep as a pet and to work tomorrow!

Journal 8/19/17 Evening

Physical: a little more relaxed, a little less in pain. the bed is comfy. My nail keeps lifting, though, and is really a problem.

Mental: my brain is less frantic. I got to focus on shaving Master, which helped my brain focus, and was very grounding. Before that he spanked me a little, and that wasn't emotional or sexual, but it really helped my brain a lot. It cleared my head and calmed my anxiety. I am calm, rational, and reasonable, and I can communicate easily.

Emotional: shaving Master, naked cuddles, and talking were wonderful. I think I needed intimacy (not necessarily sexual or dynamic) to wash away the nonsense of the past few days, and all the performative intimacy of work.
I want to be taken care of, and loved, and petted. Especially petted. I want to be a little animal pet who can walk and (maybe) talk still. That's what I want tonight and tomorrow. Feed me, water me, pet me, feel affection toward me.
Kierna is even back, finally. I'm so glad.

Purrrrrr.

Journal 8/19/17 Afternoon

Physical: I'm really sore, easily hungry, and I just had a burning match drop pin muy skin, not go out, burn my inner thigh, and now my legs feel sparks, as though there's a high powered violet wand on them. Also, my entire vulva and vagina feel like they are friction burned.

Mental and Emotional: Dissociated from the "collar bone pinned" client.

I want pizza.

Journal 8/18/17 Evening

After a good meal, coffee, talking with Master, cuddles, a little bit of masochism, actually taking clonidine, being at the park, and having some little time, I'm finally doing better. My gods, I'm high maintenance!

Alternative journal structure:

Slave: I'm really developing trust in  Master's process. Today, I couldn't figure out how to be ok, so I let go and let him try. And for once, I didn't frantically question his ideas. It worked. A little bit of trial and error, but it worked.

Orlen: My gender is pretty nonexistent today. My sense of self was reaffirmed in a realization that the Bairds are not my family. I died to that old life two years ago, and I need to break that connection with even my siblings. That's not my life, that's not my name. (Beth got me a name change packet today, in fact)
On that note, today is the first time my little felt like they were named Orli and not Dari. I'm thinking the internal child little went through the therapeutic growing up process, and now I have a little side by choice, which is nice.
I'd like to redo the identity ritual, though. But this time, with the cleansing process being my own. I can make the choice myself now, whereas before, I needed Master to do it for me.

Orli: Uhhhhhh? People? I don't know. That's all complicated, and I'm not touching it tonight.

Whore: I didn't get to work today, and I'm sad about it. I'm hoping I'll get a lot of clients tomorrow. I'm back to liking my job. I just hate not getting clients.

Kierna: Missing. And I miss her. Come back!

Journal 8/18/17 Afternoon

I'm really, realty not ok. Before I get into that though, here's what I've missed writing about the past few days:

-Rope performance with Aisha. It went very well, until Cat decided to put her fingers, causing a mark, under the rope on Aisha's neck.

-Master and Beth missed my performance. I freaked out, but handled it pretty well. I used coping skills.

-Client to kick out, SD client, and triggery-gentle client.

-Saw Mars, finally. Experienced sex at gunpoint. Loved it.

-Found an amazing 4 bedroom house. I have the applications now, and I'm very, very anxious about them.

Physical: tense muscles, nerve pain, very hot, dizzy, hard to eat, headache

Mental: Mind racing,debilitating anxiety. I can't do anything. I've barely fed myself and taken meds. I made a phone call to the rental agency to get the applications. I had nightmares all night, and all day. I called in to work. I tried to pay bills, and couldn't. No texture is ok.

Emotional: So, so overwhelmed. Scared. Small. I can't deal with strangers. I can't walk to the mailbox. I can't stop shaking. I'm flitting between little, and big, but small, and the whiplash is insane. Neither state is better. I want Master, and Arcane, and Beth, and no one else. I'm really stressed that I didn't work today. Lance is mad at me, I think. I'm scared about not getting a house. It seems insurmountable. I don't know what I need.

Help.

Journal 8/15/17 Morning/Afternoon

I'm finally getting this journal done. I've slept all day.

Physically, I'm fine. It's all mental and emotional.

I guess I'm still in a depressive swing. Or maybe it's antibiotics? I'm having such a hard time not just curling up and starting at a wall, and I'm only not crying because my makeup is too good.
I've made a little bit of progress on houses. We'll see how that goes. I've done literally nothing else productive today. Arcane completely ruined my dish washing system, so I don't even want to do dishes here and there. I'm so discouraged. Effort takes so much out of me. It sucks when I don't have much to show for it.
I had the weirdest dream that I was in a mental hospital for two years, in an old hotel, that somehow also included a really good private school. I did really well, and even won a cotillion kind of competition (my biggest contender was Dagger?) but then I somehow was in some sort of amnesia kind of thing the rest of the two years, and no one knew, until they were getting ready to discharge me (to my parents, but I don't know who they were) and I woke up.

I don't know how to be ok, or to feel better. I need care, but I can't figure it out myself. Master, will you please try to figure out what I need or what to try, and I'll do that?

Journal 8/14/17 Evening

Physical: sore throat, blistered hands

Mental: My mind is running a million miles an hour, and I can't stop. At the same time, I am physically and emotionally low on spoons. I wish I could could do something productive, like cleaning.

Emotional: I think how fast spoons get used makes me really interested in specific direction. I also still really want things like vanilla sadism, and I'm a bit sexual. Masturbation and slapping or something? Watersports? I don't really need aftercare, and I can take care of myself.


I may have found some house possibilities. I'll call them tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Aisha and I practiced rope today,  since we're performing on Wednesday. It went incredibly well! Our best scene so far.

My heart is sad. I just found out Tori doesn't want to come back to Albuquerque. Like ever. And Phoenix said a thing on Facebook that seems a whole lot like we're not friends. The thing with Mars isn't going very well. I hate losing people. I never, ever let go. I don't know how. I hurt so much, because I love so hard.

Journal 8/14/17 Morning

Physical: I'm tired, coughing, and had a really bad asthma attack last night. My eyes are pretty painful, and I woke up fairly dehydrated. I'm pretty low on spoons.

Mentally: Also low on spoons. I feel okay, because this morning is pretty simple, but I'm not sure how I'd handle anything more complicated. I'm still feeling the desire for clear and specific direction, though I'm unclear as to whether it's a want or a need.  It's so mentally restful, and my brain does feel like it needs rest.

Emitional: I'm a little shut down, but I think that's probably good at this point. I have a lot on my mind. (For example, Aisha's support of Trump, and apathy about the literal murder of POC. Why should she be the exception to my "no tolerance" policy?)
I'm choosing to not really engage with my feelings this morning.
I have a little bit of sassiness today, and a bit of intensity, but I'm too tired for those to be very prominent.

My goals for the day are to work, duo everything I can to get some spoons back, particularly mentally, and, if I feel good enough, to do some cleaning.
My strategy is going to be doing five minutes or less of cleaning at a time, scattered throughout three day.

Journal 8/13/17 Evening

Physical: the blisters on my hands hurt, my body is achey, I'm on the edge of a headache, I'm getting weird mast cell reactions today, and my throat hurts. Some of that, I think, is allergies.

Mental: Thinking is hard. I'm very, very literal. Very simple. I'm probably a little spacey.

I think I said this morning that I wanted to be simple? I think this is what I meant. Brain shut down. Clear and specific orders. I really wish I had figured that out much earlier in the day. I don't feel like I've had enough time to happily and smoothly return to normal brain functioning in the morning. I wonder if I can ask for orders for tomorrow? I'd like to.

Emotional: I don't know. I don't really want to know.

I know I'm much closer to hurt and lost and crying than to angry and yelling.

Journal 8/13/17 Morning

Physical: my right knee was hurting a lot when I woke up. I think I'm generally achey, but not enough to notice unless I really think about it.

Mental: I'm clear headed verbally, but a little dizzy otherwise. I'm likely to be easily confused and overwhelmed by certain verbal things today, though less so with written words.

Emotional: I'm still a little bit little, and a little bit primal. I'm not at all sexual, though we know how fast that can change. I'm emotionally vulnerable, but out of fucks to give, meaning I'll be easily hurt, but not spiral-y and more just quiet and maybe sad.

I want grounding, comforting things. weekday sounds the best is if I can get just a bit spacey, but not tax my body or think too much. Things like tight hugs with a little nails, sitting on the floor leaned against Master's legs, laying under his feet, curled up by his lower body, and particularly the warm, grounding,  kisses of watersports on my body.

I think I'd also feel pretty good about simple commands:  don't talk, or sit without moving, or make this,  or eat that, or do this small house project (desk, or bathroom, or counters, or fridge,  or whatever)  and have it done by such and such time.

I guess how I feel, and where I want to stay today, is simple. Just simple.

Journal 8/12/17 Evening

Physical: Bruised, my eyes hurt, I'm achey from being in the car all day, period.

Mental: Easily confused, easy overwhelmed, hard to slow down or quiet my brain without emotional fallout. Lots of forgetfulness, and losing my train of thought. Easily overstimulated.

Emotional: Anxious, probably droppy, about to cry, nothing is "right." Restless, fussy. I can't seem to make myself go little or primal as easily as I usually can. I simultaneously want to scream and shut down.  Green chile didn't even help. Nothing seems good except shopping or shoplifting. I want emotional and verbal and physical connection from Master, but I am very fussy about what that looks like. I don't want to play, or fuck, or eat, or watch Netflix, or sleep, or be home. The only thing I've actively enjoyed today was 99 cent Goodwill, and some of the time that Master was petting my head. I don't what I want or need, and besides shopping or shoplifting, the only thing that sounds ok or even vaguely appealing is a robot/doll/toy/objectification thing (and yes, I know I freaked out about that the other day) and just following specific, concrete, clear orders: anything from "sit here silently until I release you" to "kneel with your head in this toilet"

A shower sounds ok. A blanket. Soft things. A new bear. Making grumpy sounds and glaring and fussing. A kid movie.

Yeahhhh: maybe I should just be little. That did help with spacey and drop in the past.

.... which also solidifies that I really need to not wait 48 hours to journal. It would have saved everyone a lot of frustration.

Oops.

Journal 8/10/17 Morning

Physical: I took a shower, and that was nice. I slept pretty well last night too, like 5.5 hours, and woke up naturally at 8. I'm still hurting and bendy, but not as bad. Still having GI problems though, so I'm not eating much. I've lost another couple of pounds,  probably more than that, since I'm on my period as of today and that tends to make me bloated.

Mental: I took straterra last night, and I'm definitely more easy going today. I'm still sleepy, and mote motivated, but not by a lot. I did a little bit of bathroom cleaning, and I will try to do more of it today, and/or maybe some dishes. No clients yet, which is frustrating.

Emotional: Master explained to me why he seemed more engaged when I shielded. He was trying to save the scene because I felt disconnected. That explanation really helped. Then I felt like I needed aftercare,  and I got it. Today, I might be dropping a little? I just want sleep, cuddles, and maybe a little bit of grinding or spanking. I don't feel very primal, or little. A little bit anxious, but not frantic. It's manageable.
Overall, I'm pretty ok.

Journal 8/9/16 Morning

Physical: I hurt a lot
My hands arms neck address 5 the worst.

 my eyes hurt too and my face is swollen. I can't get hydrated. 

Mental: Dropping so, so hard. I'm a bit spacey still. And I want all the food, particularly Mexican, so badly. I'm devastated, and confused, and I don't know where to start unraveling everything. I need help, especially therapy-ish help.
 It's hard to initiate thought processes, but I can answer questions.

Emotions: Fuck

Worship Through My Pain

My heart is breaking. It hurts so much. I wanted, needed, felt, connection, and passion, and intimacy, and I wanted to share that with Master, and feel that current flow back and forth. And I tried, I tried so hard. And if he just was too tired, too drained, I would have been disappointed, and sad, and emotionally hungry still. But not heartbroken. Not like this.

He said he liked how hard I was trying. He wanted to see how hard I would try, and then he would just stop. So in a for of playfulness, I shielded. I put a wall. I took that stimuli of my effort away, and for all he could tell, I just lay there, being used. I thought it would keep him interested. Be a little bit of a playful game. And the minute I did, he wanted my body. The minute I did, he engaged... but not with my heart, or my passion, or my worship. With my pain, and with my objectification. Without the pressure of trying to connect with me, and share a fiery, passionate lust and love and power exchange. As an object, he wanted to take me. As Orli, full of love and adoration and worship and passion, he just was not feeling it.

I hurt so bad. Not just physically. I hurt because my soul feels unwanted and uninteresting and unengaging. I hurt because he wants me for my pain and my use as an object. He cares for me, but as an ever present strong, protective tree, not as a roaring, consuming fire. I wanted to be consumed, but I am buried. I buried myself, but he liked it, and now my tears are mud soaked.

I hurt so much. My gift was not the right one. I am an object. I am a receptacle for pain. That's what I can give. I should not have striven to offer something else and expected to be found worthy of reciprocation. Objectified has always been my state between us. What's wrong with me, that I would forget that? Have I changed so much? I hurt so very, very deeply.

I was wrong.

I hope this moment finds him asleep. I don't want connection forced by tears. I've done enough of that to last a lifetime. I long to share adoration and joy, as a peer, and a partner, who has submitted to his doctrine through love and consuming passion for his creeds. My heart is broken, but my devotion is not. It was misplaced. I'll find my place somehow. I'll worship in unobtrusive availability. I'll worship with my pain.

Journal 8/8/17 Afternoon

Physical: My back hurts and I'm having some equilibrium problems.  I nearly passed out on the floor this morning. I'm also having some digestive problems, and I'm constantly hungry, which is to be expected the week before I start my period. There's not a lot of solid, salty food at home.

Mental: I'm a bit scattered, frantic, and animated, but clear headed, and my vocabulary is good. I haven't had trouble with executive dysfunction today.

Emotional: There's a fair bit of stress. The kitchen stool isn't done, despite days of assurance that it would be, and I'm having a hard time trusting Master to address that with Arcane, since I'm not seeing results. That, combined with the lack of quick foods that the kitchen will allow me to prepare, besides cereal, is a major stressor.
My doctor's appointment was shit. Julie DiCianno is so rude, and dismissive, and unprofessional, and awful. She actually got mad to the point that she slammed her phone down on the counter, really hard. She set me up with the psych in that office, though, for the 24th, which is hopeful. I guess he actually sends people out to a psychiatric neurologist to get diagnoses solidified. She would not touch my meds, so I got super frantic and calmed every urgent care in town and asked who could. I ended up getting my lamictal raised, and straterra added. And, the urgent care I went to had an amazing CNP, who will be accepting patients as a PCP within a few weeks. I'm so happy about that.
It's nice to see some results from all of the frantic trying, and trying, and trying. I'm daring to hope that things might get better.
I'm very grateful for how much energy and time Master has put into helping me figure these things out and then manage them.

I'm also very sexual today. Not hysteria sexual, just please-rape-me sexual. I feel like a third of the way to spacey orgasm just being within a few inches of Master. I don't know if he just feels extra virile to me currently, or what.
I'm oozing pheremones from every pore, and he probably is too. It's distracting.
Any combination of force/power, penetration (particularly by a body part), and cum on or in me, sounds amazing.  Anything involving passion, and I have enough for both of us. Feet in my mouth?Fingers down my throat? Being under his feet? Him masturbating against me, but never quite penetrating me, until he fists me with his cum as lube...  Shoved against a wall, arms pinned above kissing? (This sounds particularly good, actually. Anything that pins my body against his. Even that thing he used to do of grinding on top of me, then getting up and leaving) I'm also very sensual, both in a tactile way and an energetic way. He feels so good. I know he's tired and everything, but everything he puts off is so good. I felt like that last when we went to bed. I want to be entirely consumed in that. Watersports even sounds good, or being spit on. Everything from his body is good.
...Apparently I feel pretty worshipful today, also. I've been thinking alot today and yesterday about him as my diety.

I wonder what today might bring.

Journal 8/7/17 Morning

Today, I did everything right. I got up, drank a lot of water, ate a bagel, made coffee and drank it, took meds, got ready for work.

No clients so far. Again. It's discouraging, and scary. We rely on that money.  And it's not really very good incentive to try.

I had a great big meltdown about that last night:  that I don't seem to have anything to show for all the effort that I've been putting in. This applies physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't see myself making progress. Am I?
One of the most frustrating parts is how easily I get overstimulated and overwhelmed since getting out of the hospital in May. It's crippling. And it makes me unwilling to leave the house, frequently. I'm not sure why that is. All that changed is adding Cymbalta. Master and I talked last night, and a lot of the things that I perceive as mania and OCD could be described as ADD-Impulsive or Combined Type. It's a direction to try with doctors, at least. I honestly want to try just scrapping every unconfirmed diagnosis, and start from scratch and be rediagnosed, properly.

Master gave me Straterra last night, to see if it would help. It did, a bit. I feel lured impulsive, jittery, restless, unstable. It's a little weird, honestly. I've never, ever been this calm. I don't feel like a zombie but I also don't feel the need to chatter, or to have noise or other stimuli. I'm still having trouble initiating actions, but I'm not frantic about it either. I feel, dare I say it, easygoing? Who knows anything from one day of medication, but I do feel differently.

In weird things, I'm a little bit obsessed with murder, particularly more gruesome types. That's not normal to me. I feel like I want to kill someone, not because I want anyone dead,  just to see what it feels like. I'm scaring myself a bit, honestly.

Physical: achey, extra hypermoblie, tired, very hungry for red meat, cramps, diarrhea


What do I want today? Honestly, quiet. I'm enjoying the near silence in the house today. It's really lovely.

Journal 8/5/17 Morning

Physical: I slept incredibly well last night. I'm in very

little pain today, except in my bladder. I feel way less sick than I have in a while. I showered this morning, and it was lovely. My skin is clearing up. I think my blood pressure it's still a little low, so I skipped clonidine this morning again, but I took it last night.

Mental: My OCD has calmed down significantly. It seems like I frequently need just one or two things to be right, and nothing else seems so bad. Master spent a lot of time looking for my collar last night, and I'm really grateful. It feels so good to have it on.
My thoughts are clear, but not racing. I'm having trouble initiating actions though. Starting this journal was a struggle. I still want to sleep.

Emotional: I'm pretty content. I still want cuddles and kisses more than anything.

Jpurnal 8/4/17 Evening

Oh my goddddd I've been trying for hours to focus enough to write this.

Master found my old collar.  I'm so happy to have it back on. And now that my collar is back on, and right, everything else seems less wrong. Even my nails. It's so strange, that such small things make such a huge difference for my ocd.

I'm much less melancholy now too.

Also, today I came, screaming and shaking, in the car, because Master pulled my hair a certain way

There's a lot rattling in my head, but this is all i can give enough focus to

My hair is not ok and my skin is not ok and my nails are not ok and my joints are not ok and my face is not ok and my eyebrows are not ok and the stupid hair between my legs is not ok and my digestive system is not ok and my blood is not ok and my collar is not ok and now my Master's skin is not ok and my brain is not ok and my lungs are not ok and my eyes are not ok and my teeth and jaw are not ok and my hands are not ok and my back is not ok and my urinary tract is not ok and my liver is not ok and water is not ok. Nothing is ok.


And I can't make anything ok. Everything gets lost or taken from me and I search and search and never find them. Everything. Everything.


And now my couch spot is not ok and my bedroom is not ok, and the whole house is full of cat pee, and the only thing I can find is the thing I would be happy to never see again.


I will never get better. Nothing gets better. Anything I think I have gets taken or broken or lost or burned or dies or hates me.


And things I think I got rid of come back.


I can't. Help. Someone help me make things ok. Is anyone ok? I don't know anyone who is. I used to be ok. And then it got taken. Everything gets taken. And lost. And broken. And burned. Every good and happy and right thing. Everything/

Journal 8/3/17 Evening

Physical: My nail hurts and that finger dislocates, and I have an ant bite. I feel pretty achey and tired, and I have all day. My stomach is getting upset easily, and I having mast cell reactions more often than normal. Nicotine makes me feel sick.

Mental: still having hallucinations, I think from the antibiotics. Today I thought the house was on fire.

Emotional: I went little twice today, and watched Moana. That was really helpful, and I was happy. I also seemed to be able to get to Kierna and back and forth more easily while I was little. I spent a fair bit of time with Chloe, and I really liked that. We were more like friends than normal. Last night I had a dream that she was my service dog out in a big city, and then ran away and got killed. I've been having really vivid dreams lately.
Once I stopped being little, both times, I just got really sad, and heavy feeling. Like I have been most of the day. I don't know if I should just be little more until it passes? I don't want to be one of "those" people.
I'm also really, really bothered by Master having marks. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest and I just want to sob. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out why.
My nails are really bothering me. The new place makes them thick, and so when I cut them, now they look and feel weird to me. And Kierna is still upset about not having claws.

I want lots of physical touch still, mostly from Master, but Arcane is good too. And to be big, but feel as happy as when I am little. And I also want all of the soft, nice textures.

I'm stressed about getting into a doctor, and my health, and going to kink events with Aisha and not Master, and a myriad of other things.

I don't know how to be ok, but I'm trying to keep my head above water.

Journal 8/3/17 Afternoon

I just want to sleep. I'm so tired and achey and dehydrated. Executive functioning and motivation are hard. It's hard to even vape. Or think. I did one client. I'm writing this. That's all.

Journal 8/2/17 Evening

Physical: gone except my nail hurts and my stomach is upset.

Mental: Hallucination? Rational enough to realize I wasn't being rational. Foggy but self aware, I guess?

Emotional: !!!!!!!!!! All the something, trying to come out in spirals. Kierna in particular is very upset and insecure, I think about claws. So anything about primal stuff that pushes those buttons is bad. I also had night terrors while napping.

Vanilla sadism, and loud Halestorm in the car seemed to help with the excess energy. Now I'm just sexual. Apparently Master's lion is sexual towards me? I didn't know that.

Journal 8/2/17 Afternoon

So, I'm staying home. I have movies picked out, and planned comfy clothes, cuffs, blanket, stuffed animals, face  mask, pizza, good coffee, chocolate, merlot.

I have had lots of cuddles, and some single tail on my back.

Percent chance of spiral: 17%

Journal 8/2/17 Morning

Physical: my nail is still sore, but significantly better. Out seems like either the super glue took, or it readhered on its own. I accidentally cut off my circulation last night with the bandaid. My whole body aches, but my muscles are relaxed. Using the couch pillow to sleep on last night was really helpful. Also, I apparently can take nsaids if I take hydroxizine. That's  useful. I'm also shaking a whole lot.

Mental: I'm fairly clear headed, but I also feel a bit dissociated, which is dangerous.

Emotional: I feel sad,  insecure, and hurt. I'm more likely to be hurt and break down than to spiral. Everything seems heavy. This morning was really rough. I woke up to awful anonymous messages.
I used a few coping skills. I took a shower, and vaped while doing that. I ate a really good breakfast. And I turned on music. That helped, a bit. Now I'm cuddled under a blanket on the couch, trying to do more self care. Sweatpants and a tshirt.
I also had a lot of night terrors last night, and I'm not sure why.

Chance of spiral or meltdown if I leave home:  45%

Chance of spiral or meltdown if I'm home: 30%

Journal 8/1/17 Evening

Physical: my nail is excruciating. I'm really worried about hitting it again, and I also can't cut it with anything I have. I want to get cutters for acrylic nails tomorrow. My body went into shock, and I got freezing cold and cramping. Chips, tea, and  getting warm, and motrin helped. I still don't feel good, but it's not as bad.

Mental: I'm really overwhelmed, and not really understanding anything that isn't short and concrete. Some combination of overstimulated and drop and pain-spacey? I just know I'm getting really scared and panicky (which sometimes looks like anger) when I get confused, and I'm getting confused really easily.

Emotional: Discouraged, scared, panicky, sad, insecure, easily hurt. Also, Kierna is upset about the nail because it's a claw. How do you deal with upset primal?
I'm really battling feelings of not good enough. Nothing is enough to get ahead and be ok, no matter how hard I try. And when it might affect Master and Beth. He said if I'm closer to spiral than not spiral, I can ask him to postpone them playing, and whatever his feelings, it will not actually reflect badly on me, and will not make me bad or not good. That helps, because at least of things don't get better, that situation or the guilt from asking it to not happen, will at least be not added to the pile. I'm grateful that Master is being so patient. I'm trying hard to focus on that, and not feelings of inadequacy or guilt. It's hard.
I don't have a safe space that isn't Master. It used to be Sidewinders, and now it isn't. Used to be UBH, now it's gone.  Used to be home, that got ruined. Used to be my room, now I don't have one. Cage? No room.

I guess I have to know what safe means, and I don't know that either.

Ugh

Journal 8/1/17 Afternoon

I'm exhausted, and anxious, and not really sure why.  Possibilities include:

-generally sick
-antibiotics
-ant bites
-natural gas fumes
-mold from A/C
-drop?
- Not putting my rings back on after work
-hungry
I'm thinking it's probably a combination of all of them.

I just want to go back to bed or the couch with Master, and have all of the physical contact and relaxing. And also ice cream. (Ice cream makes me suspect a little bit of drop)

Kierna is pretty influential in how I feel today. I don't need a whole lot of active interaction, just don't leave the room or I will freak. Being petted and scratched feel the best today.

I don't want Master to play with Beth tomorrow. It's just so close to the last time they did a significant and intimate thing (Master has deep scratches!?) that I haven't really had time to change the turning in my stomach to indifference or compersion. I'm not ready to add more stomach turning to the que.

But, it might all just be anxiety from outside sources that will dissipate naturally before then.

Nevertheless, I'm clingy as fuck, and I want all the affirmation.

Journal 8/1/17 Morning

Physical: good, but cold. We had middle of the night sex, so I'm a little itchy.

Mental: Not quite awake, and having a little bit of executive functioning issues. It promises to be an ok day though.

Emotional: I'm pretty anxious and stressed. I woke up late, which sucks because I kind of wanted a shower (weird, right?)
The gas lines are being replaced, and so the dogs have to be inside, which is really stressful when combined with work.
I really just want cuddles. Like, I can manage all the other things, and I will, but I don't want to. But for now, I'm curled up in bed with Master, and it's lovely. 

Journal 7/31/17 Evening

Date, good food, driving, predicament of the takeout boxes, music, hugs, affection, canes, counting, orgasm that didn't stop.

I'm happy, a little spacey, but still functional. It feels weird, but good to experience play in moderation, instead of "feast or famine"

Because the problem with feasts is that you eat yourself sick.

3-5 small meals a day? 😄

I'm going to bed happy, healthy, relaxed, and spoiled. Mmmm.

Journal 7/31/17 Afternoon

I took a shower, and used the shower chair. It was amazing! This must be what it feels like to shower as a normal person.

I've been really trying to focus on recovery today. I've been connecting with the energy of last night when Master was gone, and essentially doing my best to drown in relaxing hedonism. Shower, shaving, face mask, painting my toes, wearing a soft skirt and nothing on top, reading, writing, napping, netflix. Just really listening to what my body and brain think feels good. It's been really helpful, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work tomorrow.

I feel like my best self. Clean, shiny, soft, calm, smart, kind, sexual and subby but not desperate.

I really love my Master, and I want to feel close to him, so that I can share this with him. A car date with food and song discussion, a resteraunt date (ghengis grill, maybe? Or Mexican?), play, sex, watching tv, cuddles... any of  these things sound great to me. Just basking in eachother's happy, relaxed energy, and soaking it up together.

Journal 7/31/2017 Morning

Physical: I hurt so much. My whole body. And I'm so tired, and hot, and feverish. I'm going to try to take a shower, and see if it helps.

Mental: I have what seems like morning brain fog, but I just can't shake it. It was sort of hoping that forcing myself to write this journal would help me to jump start my brain a little bit.

Emotional: I'm sad that I didn't get to work today. I really wanted to. On the more positive end of things, though, last night was wonderful. Master slapped me in the face, and I got that warm feeling in my stomach that I've been chasing my whole life, and as he kept slapping, I came, hard, without any other stimulation. Then I gave him a blowjob, and went to sleep cuddled up so, so happy. You know a thing is good when I don't feel the need to masturbate afterwards! I still feel amazing today. Honestly, I can't wait for him to get home today so that I can feel his chest and arms hugging me, and smell him, and cuddle. Right now I feel like blowjob, cuddles, and sleep together would be just fine to me!

I guess I feel more stable now than I did for  a bit. I'm stressing about getting in to see doctors, but when is that not the case? I did call my primary, though, to try and
get in. I left a message.

The house is cooling down now since the thunderstorm, and I actually feel a bit better in all the ways so that's good.

Journal 7/30/17 Evening

I feel really good. Master was very affectionate, and even scratched me before leaving, and got me all set up. Arcane made me food. I relaxed, and it was very nice. Having things like water and the blanket and stuffed animals made me feel very tangibly taken care of, and that was helpful with avoiding abandonment fears. And knowing concretely and specifically what my night would entail was the same kind of comforting as the hospital.

I'm physically better than I was, but not 100%.

I'm a bit sad, because I was supposed to get to see Mars today, and have all the sexual violence. So that's kind of what my brain was geared up for, and I'm still there. Pin me to a wall and kiss me and bite me and pull my hair and hit me, or fuck me, or.... even a few cane strokes randomly?

I've been there for a few days, I think. The good thing about sexual violence/play is that a little goes a long way, both in intensity of effect, and duration of effect, and it doesn't require aftercare. It also doesn't really require context, or setting energy in the same way as other things. It's a fairly low maintenance, low-risk/high reward kind of thing.
It makes everything better in a sometimes frustrating, disappointing existence.
"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?"

I hope Master would be interested in trying that and seeing what it does...

Journal 7/30/17 Afternoon

Physical: I just got out of the ER. I have some kind of urinary tract problem, and my urine was brown this morning. I don't feel good at all. They gave me antibiotics and a referral for a urologist. I'm achey, nauseated, sore throat, headache, and tired.

The mildew swamp cooler is also making me sick.

Mental: I woke up unable to think. Actually zero spoons, which is very rare for me. I'm still foggy, but a few more spoons, I think because of saline.

Emotional: The A/C and "not even trying" issue. I don't have energy to elaborate.

I'm pretty insecure and easily hurt today, possibly because I'm sick. I asked Master for gentleness eventually, using the "yellow, gentle" phrase.

Master explained to me today about the energy connection and sort of telepathy thing with Beth. They're essentially playing a game and trying to spy on eachother. It's not so much that they are developing such a significant thing, like Master and I. That was really comforting.

He also explained earlier why he's so invested in seeing Beth. He needs a break from regular life, basically. That makes sense to me.

He's fairly defensive and mad-seeming with those conversations at first. I think it will take some time to build trust between us, for me asking things without spiraling.

I feel like I really don't want to be away from him. But for him to leave, what I'm positive that I can offer, is not freaking out if I can feel comforted and connected before he leaves. Small and safe.

I think this could be accomplished by any of: 
- cuddles and tv
- cuddles and Master's music
- cuddles and talking
-primal time, either both primal or just me
-being little, and cuddles
- play like biting,  choking, hair pulling, nails
- maybe caning

The longest I can imagine it taking is an hour.

I'm grateful that he stayed with me in the ER, and that he takes care of me even when it's a lot. Most people would not.

Your slavedoll loves you, Master

Journal 7/30/17 Mid Evening - Incident Discussion

This is my understanding of what just happened:

Prior agreements to my understanding:

-Master will tell me about plans ahead of time so I can adjust my brain. Sudden things throw me for a loop. Telling me plans involves:

-Master will tell me when he will be home by, and if that needs to change, he will update me before that time, with a new time.

-Master will tell me what he thinks will happen, and where he will be, and he will not do more than that if it is at all within his power.

Tonight:

-I was talking about being sick, when Robert said his timing was awful and then told me he was planning to go have coffee with Beth on her side of town.
This was the first I heard of this plan. (Breaks first agreement)
Also, it was really an unhelpful time to bring that up. Kind of sounds like "It sucks that you're sick, because of this plan that I didn't tell you about yet."
It's very difficult to hear how I'm involved in a cause of unhappiness by being sick, while I'm sick. Additionally to that difficulty, it's very hard to have a new plan sprung on me, thus the first agreement. It's also scary to me to feel like an agreement is being broken. Agreements give me a sense of stability and security. They are concrete, concise, and specific. (Aspergers mixed with PTSD, I think.)


I definitely started to spiral, and want to know what was so significant and important that he would break agreements, and dismiss my concerns (which were with him being so far away, with the state of Aisha and I, and the pre-discussed, even with Master, plan for bloodplay), and to do so in what both Aisha and I percived as a loud, agressive manner. His response was that I didn't use yellow or red, to which I said that ideally he wouldn't force me to. [sidenote: we need to redefine what red and yellow mean]

Finally, I said yeah, please don't go, because you are breaking agreements. He seemed unhappy, but agreed, and said we would talk about it later. He said he wanted to go for a drive, and asked if I needed anything before then. He agreed to go no further than 10 minutes away, and either be back by 12:30 or give me an updated time. He did that. That was actually very helpful and reassuring.


This journal brought to you by Aisha telling me to stop talking until the journal was done, and then to not rant about it anymore. (Toppy Aisha? What?)


Possibly relevant information: I apparently didn't take meds this morning, which I'm sure affects cognitive and emotional functioning, and the levels of pain and sickness caused by missing Cymbalta in particular, probably contributed to how nervous I was about him being across town so far.

Journal 7/29/17 Afternoon

I had strawberries, and now I am very hyper.

My eye dislocates.

I got a shower chair.

....apparently strawberries make journaling very difficult

Journal 7/28/17 Evening

Things are much better. My family is safe, from eachother and otherwise. My OCD is better. Things are manageable. Instead of my normal categories, I'd like to try some new ones:

-Slave: I am content, and some trust has been built between Master and I. I watched him handle a type of conflict that I've always taken out of his hands, and watched him do it with grace, effectiveness, and compassion. I learned some things, and I am humbled. My perspective was pretty wrong. I'm also grateful and comforted by how he managed the crisis of last night. He figured out what to do, and did it, and I'm proud of myself for not giving ultimatums or forcing a thing to happen. I wish I had been more patient though.


-Orlen (genderfluid, internal self): I feel very complete. Nails help a lot, especially how long they are. "If you're not wearing nails, you're not doing drag!" Nails this ridiculous really help with dysphoria, because it feels so like drag. Everything is drag, and I am a Queen, always.
My mental health is better. The list plaguing my OCD isn't as bad. My thoughts aren't racing as much. I'm calm, and grounded, and level.


-Orli (Self as pertains to others): Humans are more important than objects. 
I've really fucking lost sight of that, and I'm really ashamed. What the actual fuck. I'm really going to yell about a cup or even some medications, and hurt someone I love? I know better. And I would, when coherent, destroy any of those things in a heartbeat to prevent harm or hurt to those I love.
I'm so sorry, dear ones. I'll do better. I'll be better.

This may actually be the first time I've ever felt shame like this. I don't know how to let go of it. I'll channel my penitence into doing better and being better. (Although, despite not having a punishment-dynamic, an unpleasant verbal or physical beating would not go unappreciated)

I'm sad to have not gotten to participate in Marcus' drag performance tonight, and I'm sad about the rift between me and Sidewinders people. But that's a thing to unpack later.

There's this website going around where you can send anonymous messages to people (send me one! OrliDoll.Sarahah.com) and it's wonderful.

Also, I'm falling deeply in love (not just lust) with people that I did not mean to. I'm not sure what to think about that. I suppose it's fairly telling that respect of the sort that humbles me turns to that. Hmm.


Whore- Clients today were good. I remembered why I love sex work. I love giving people acceptance and experiences they may not otherwise get.


Kierna (Primal, genet) - Kierna was near the surface since getting my nails done. They're so long and pointy and clawlike. Just curling my fingers makes me do the purrgrowl thing. I got to be primal while Master was primal, and that was really fun, and relaxing, and engaging, and delightful.



I''m going to bed happy, content, energized, and relaxed tonight. <3

Journal 7/28/17 Afternoon

Well, I had two clients, my nails are done, Master stayed home today and cleaned the house, and pulled some weeds and stuff. Overall, I feel much better than I did. I'm still a bit anxious, but cuddles and cleanliness have really helped.

Physical: Super achey. I had a headache earlier, but I think I just needed caffeine. I'm tired, but not exhausted. I took a nap for a few hours this morning while waiting for clients. I'm having to sleep on my back lately because of pain.

Mental: It's still hard to focus, but thoughts aren't racing quite so much. I feel less clear headed, and my brain isn't as quick.

Emotional: Worried, kind of, and grateful to Master for staying home today. It literally kept me out of the hospital. I'm a bit drained still, emotionally.

I'm super, super sexual though. I let both clients fist me, and the first one spanked me. I was really, really tempted to give the first one oral, even though I never do that with clients. And at the nail salon, the artwork of feet was making me wet.

I don't feel desperate for sex, but I would really love it. Preferably with some spanking or caning or face slapping, or being pinned to a wall and kissed and bitten and choked...

That actually reminds me of a thing I used to love: being pinned against a wall, facing the wall, and being spanked like that. Mmmm.

Please Master?

Journal 7/28/17 Morning

Physical: A little achey, but not awful. Headache. Itchy. Shaky. Tired.

Mental: Pretty anxious. Racing thoughts.

Emotional: Not awake enough to know very much. Pretty irritable. Better than last night, though only a little.

Master stayed home, so I haven't been in the kitchen at all.

Textures aren't quite as awful so far today.

Journal 7/27/17 Evening

Physical: Neck, shoulders, arms, back, hips, knees, throat, hands all hurting. My shoulder is subluxed. My heart rate is really up and down it feels like. My whole body itches. Headache. Can't feel Master biting, it doesn't register as any kind of pain.

Mental: Either racing thoughts or dissociation/sleep/giving up. I've gotten through the day by doing each task that is directly in front of me, and just that. But it's hard for me to maintain that, unless I take double hydroxizine, and I really don't want to make a habit of misusing medications like that. Dissociation actually seems to be an ok thing, until someone like Aisha needs me to connect. Like today. When she just showed up. And had a major back convulsion problem.

Emotional: Pretty similar. My OCD, anxiety, etc. are pretty bad. I feel really bad that I can't figure out anything to do except ask Master for help. I'm really worried about dumping my issues on him again, or seeming like I'm doing that. And I was getting better at asking for the specific thing I needed, but now I don't even know what that is. My heart hurts, not just because it feels awful to not have a solution, but because that stuff is getting added to his plate. I know he's tired. I know everything is verging on too much. It's part of why I'm so angry at Arcane, I think.

I'm both proud of myself and disappointed in myself. Honestly, I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing to ask.

Hopefully I can sleep, and tomorrow I will focus on following. If things are going to be bad, at least I can maintain forward motion, and not be stuck trying to figure out a direction.

Journal 7/27/17 Afternoon

Still a rough day.

I don't know if it's just in my head, but the texture of all the furniture and all the floors and nearly everything else is grainy and bad. It's really adding to my anxiety. The kitchen is a huge mess, and it's really getting to be a problem. Everything everywhere is gross. I'm staying calm and not spiraling, but my anxiety is really bad. I don't know how to deal with Arcane. I'm leaving that to Master, but I'm pretty affected by all of this. And considering that I was not successful trying to get my meds adjusted, I'm concerned about reaching crisis levels at any moment.

I want to just zip around and clean everything up, but I don't have the spoons for how my OCD will drive that. My body is very unhappy today, and it's not just joints. I'm having a fair bit of organ/internal pain and sickness.

My only client today was really shitty also. He just grabbed and pushed and uggghhh I'm tired of being manhandled. I think I might have been triggered, because I got really sick feeling, like I do if I exit a scene too quickly. And he kept asking what else we could do, and I told him nothing and then he kept pushing and finally I said "the option where you leave is availiable. Seriously, get out." And he told me how ride that was to do and that he'd post all over the internet and facebook about me. Once he left, I did some research and got his full name, his wife's full name, and his job. I told him "Don't do anything stupid. I'd hate to have to tell Kesha about this" He came back into the driveway, and I the door. He apparently thought better of it, because he then drove away.

I'm really not sure what to do with myself, so I'm hiding in the bedroom, where it's at least sort of clean. The bed still feels oily and grainy, and I'm so itchy too.

I haven't had energy to text the pika at all today. I'd love if I could go see Mars. I like him, and his apartment is so clean. Immaculate and comfortable.

Basically, this is a long string of complaints. I'm generally unhappy with this house/household. I'm very tempted to just sleep to escape. But I need to be able to sleep tonight.

Things are good with Master, though. Movie time last night was great. Cuddles feel so good lately. I want them more than sex. All the cuddles. Maybe some play.

I'm finding that journaling is really grounding, in a way. Having to write words, forces my brain to focus on one thing at a time.  I'm pretty happy about that.

Physical: itchy, pain, tired, headache

Mental: Clear headed, not too manic or racing but not shut down either.

Emotional: Anxious, OCD, triggered?, droppy, could be little easily, could be the scared kind of angry easily, a little jumpy

Journal 7/27/17 Morning

I am stressed beyond belief. I have to go back to work today, and the house is a mess. And I woke up an hour later than I wanted to. I was under the impression that I will be woken up on work days. Master used to even call me if he was already gone to work. Apparently I was mistaken. I'm stressed about the events of last night, and I am frantic about the mess in the house, and about returning to work.

Physical: I barely got any sleep last night. My head hurts, my body aches. I feel a bit of nausea. My throat hurts.

Mental: My mind is racing, and it's really hard to focus. Maybe it's one of those days, maybe it's because I don't have time to wake up and adjust to the world properly. I am unstable as fuck, again.

Emotional: Everything is stressful and overwhelming. Sensory overload has been a thing since I went to sleep last night. I'm angry that things are so stressful, but I'm trying not to think too hard about it, and not to blame other people. I had barely woken up, and I was all stressed because of it being late, and Master was pretty aggressive and frantic himself this morning. I was not prepared for that.

I don't even know where to start with unraveling my stress today. One thing at a time, I guess. Hopefully my body cooperates.

Journal 3/26/17 Evening

Physical: Headache. Right shoulder out, back tight, itchy. I had artificial sweeteners today, and I still feel pretty awful from that.

Mental: A bit fixated on domestic issues. My OCD is bad. My stuff going missing exacerbates it.

Emotional: Stressed. I don't want to think about the things that are happening in my house. If one does not have a grip on reality, one should admit that, and defer to others' memories. Don't lie to me. I have so much to say on that topic, but I'm trying not to initiate a confrontation, for once.

Things bugging my OCD:
-Not being able to shave
-Not having the oil for my hair and face
-Not having my black skirts, and dresses
-Not being able to reach the shelf for my wigs, or put them on the top of the bookshelf
-Making plans for food and then having it disappear
-The general mess in the house
-My nails
-The bookshelf
-The front yard


I also feel fairly petulant in general. I think my little has grown up to be about 12 or 13, and she's coming out fairly frequently. I'm really not comfortable with it.

Fussy might be a good word too. I don't know what will snap me out of it, but I need to figure it out.

Journal 7/26/17 Morning

Physical: I'm feeling better than I was. Fairly rested, no headache, Not a whole lot of pain in my body. My hands are stiff.

Mental: Still clear headed, especially considering that it's morning and I haven't had caffeine.

Emotional: PEOPLE WHO HAVE KNOWN ME FOR YEARS HAVE NO EXCUSE TO KEEP DEADNAMING ME. Goddamn.

Last night had some issues, and they need to be talked about, but I'm not sure how to approach it, and I don't have emotional energy for a fight. I guess I feel fairly emotional today, but kind of subdued because I'm emotionally tired. It wouldn't take much for me to dissolve into tears, I think. I hope there's gentleness and kindness today. I'm glad to have another day before work to deal with that.

My OCD is still pretty bad, and unfortunately the crystal on my collar is the forefront of my OCD irritations. I don't like how it looks, or feels, or that I can't match my jewelry to it. But I don't know how to feel about that. I honestly really really want the ring of steel back.


I guess I'm actually generally more unsettled today than I realized when I first started writing this. I don't even know how to unpack it all right now.

Journal 7/25/17 Evening

Physical: My head hurts if I use my eyes too much. Shoulder and hands hurt. VERY sexual.

Mental: Very active, very clear, very fast, a few words and phrases missing.

Emotional: Up and down a whole lot, but overall positive. Not stable, but more manic than destructive. Very sexual, cuddly, clingy, but not insecure. I had no trouble talking about things that might lead to spirals some days.