Physical: my nail is excruciating. I'm really worried about hitting it again, and I also can't cut it with anything I have. I want to get cutters for acrylic nails tomorrow. My body went into shock, and I got freezing cold and cramping. Chips, tea, and getting warm, and motrin helped. I still don't feel good, but it's not as bad.
Mental: I'm really overwhelmed, and not really understanding anything that isn't short and concrete. Some combination of overstimulated and drop and pain-spacey? I just know I'm getting really scared and panicky (which sometimes looks like anger) when I get confused, and I'm getting confused really easily.
Emotional: Discouraged, scared, panicky, sad, insecure, easily hurt. Also, Kierna is upset about the nail because it's a claw. How do you deal with upset primal?
I'm really battling feelings of not good enough. Nothing is enough to get ahead and be ok, no matter how hard I try. And when it might affect Master and Beth. He said if I'm closer to spiral than not spiral, I can ask him to postpone them playing, and whatever his feelings, it will not actually reflect badly on me, and will not make me bad or not good. That helps, because at least of things don't get better, that situation or the guilt from asking it to not happen, will at least be not added to the pile. I'm grateful that Master is being so patient. I'm trying hard to focus on that, and not feelings of inadequacy or guilt. It's hard.
I don't have a safe space that isn't Master. It used to be Sidewinders, and now it isn't. Used to be UBH, now it's gone. Used to be home, that got ruined. Used to be my room, now I don't have one. Cage? No room.
I guess I have to know what safe means, and I don't know that either.
Ugh
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