Worship Through My Pain

My heart is breaking. It hurts so much. I wanted, needed, felt, connection, and passion, and intimacy, and I wanted to share that with Master, and feel that current flow back and forth. And I tried, I tried so hard. And if he just was too tired, too drained, I would have been disappointed, and sad, and emotionally hungry still. But not heartbroken. Not like this.

He said he liked how hard I was trying. He wanted to see how hard I would try, and then he would just stop. So in a for of playfulness, I shielded. I put a wall. I took that stimuli of my effort away, and for all he could tell, I just lay there, being used. I thought it would keep him interested. Be a little bit of a playful game. And the minute I did, he wanted my body. The minute I did, he engaged... but not with my heart, or my passion, or my worship. With my pain, and with my objectification. Without the pressure of trying to connect with me, and share a fiery, passionate lust and love and power exchange. As an object, he wanted to take me. As Orli, full of love and adoration and worship and passion, he just was not feeling it.

I hurt so bad. Not just physically. I hurt because my soul feels unwanted and uninteresting and unengaging. I hurt because he wants me for my pain and my use as an object. He cares for me, but as an ever present strong, protective tree, not as a roaring, consuming fire. I wanted to be consumed, but I am buried. I buried myself, but he liked it, and now my tears are mud soaked.

I hurt so much. My gift was not the right one. I am an object. I am a receptacle for pain. That's what I can give. I should not have striven to offer something else and expected to be found worthy of reciprocation. Objectified has always been my state between us. What's wrong with me, that I would forget that? Have I changed so much? I hurt so very, very deeply.

I was wrong.

I hope this moment finds him asleep. I don't want connection forced by tears. I've done enough of that to last a lifetime. I long to share adoration and joy, as a peer, and a partner, who has submitted to his doctrine through love and consuming passion for his creeds. My heart is broken, but my devotion is not. It was misplaced. I'll find my place somehow. I'll worship in unobtrusive availability. I'll worship with my pain.