Whether it's intended or perceived, I just feel so much pressure to be ok, and to not be so complicated, and not have had an unexpected reaction to what was apparently, to Master, a basic, fun thing. And if he felt that way, fine. But how can he not see that it was anything but basic and simple to me? He seemed to see that last night, at least I thought...
How can you purposely overload every one of my five senses with awful stimuli and expect it to be simple? That alone takes a whole lot of comforting, and will leave me fragile and vulnerable and even more easily overwhelmed for a pretty significant amount of time.
How can you see my pride and vanity, my anchors when everything else is gone, be stripped away entirely, for the first time in my life, and expect that to be simple, and simple to recover from? It's terrifying. It is the most terrifying, tramatic thing I've ever experienced. Ever. In my life. And I'm trying to deal with threat while dealing with three consequences of complete sensory overload and aspie meltdown,  spacey, drop...
I'm willing to follow Master into dark, scary, traumatic and terrible places. But I need a way out of them too.
And it's awful to hear that if I knew it would be different and hard and deviate from the original plan, that I should have put the brakes on.
The minute he smeared awful, degrading things into my face was the moment that course changed from adult giggly sadist/masochist things to something else entirely, and the place where I utterly lost my ability to process information or consent.

With anyone else, I would not have allowed that to happen. I would have been on guard. I would have considered that potentially a consent violation. Or, at times when Master specifically tells me to be on guard and say something before I get to a certain point, I can. But none of that happened. I trusted my Master, and that's never a thing I'm ok with regretting, much less faulted for.
I'm ok with something being a mistake. But in a scene, unless I disobey, it's his mistake. I'm ok with him making mistakes, and we'll figure out the consequences together. I'm not ok with being reprimanded. And hearing that is so, so confusing and hurtful and like stabbing me right in the heart while I'm most vulnerable. I'm overwhelmed with hurt.

I got up and walked outside to try to be less overwhelmed. It was hot, so when he asked if I still needed to be outside, I said no, I needed to get out of the heat. But I'm still overwhelmed and vulnerable and so hurt. My senses are easy to overwhelm. I'm energetically vulnerable. I'm easily startled. I feel sick to my stomach, and I'm trying not to sob my makeup off (there's that fundamental vanity/pride again)

I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to take responsibility for that myself. I'm not sure I'm doing well. I'm afraid that Master is upset by that too. I'm so vulnerable to that feeling. I feel like I can't win. There's no way for me to be good. I don't have enough hands to put my pieces back together, and I'm so fragile that I'm crumbling more as I try.

No acne has ever, ever effected me or my sense of self more intensely. No scene has ever been harder, mentally and emotionally. No scene even comes close.

Was that pride breaking part of the scene last night a mistake? I know it was unintended. Was it bad? Am I bad? Please tell me if it was a mistake, if you broke me and didn't mean to and don't want that. Tell me what was true and what was pretend. Tell me how scenes can work with things being pretend. Help me be comforted and healed from the damage, if you see it as damage. Help me process the apparently accidental trauma. Bring me back up, and feel unhappy about breaking me. I can trust you to make mistakes, because I know that you'll never give up on fixing the things you break.

If it was a mistake but a good one, or it wasn't a mistake and was good, please let me know that. Help me reconcile healing with how that affects my entire identity. It's confusing, and scary, and if it's not a thing to write off, I need help understanding, and knowing how to integrate myself with those feelings.

I feel, since last night, disgusting, humiliated, and unsure who I am, or where to pull strength from within myself. I know, in my mind, that I should pull strength from somewhere, beacause of how Master has trained me. Emotionally, I'm unsure, until I know if this was a scene I just don't understand, or a scene that went bad, our something I should have known was pretend. Does he even know the answer to that?

I'm so lost, so broken, so overwhelmed, so fragile, so vulnerable, so confused. Where do I go from here? What should the pieces look like after they are picked up? I can't even pick them up by myself.

I feel shame and self loathing that I was brought to such a low point. I feel shame and self loathing that I can't know what to do and put myself back together. I know this is the opposite of what he wants or likes. Did I break his trust by following all spacey and not considering what would happen, or that that was not prenegotiated? I didn't even know that I needed to pre negotiate and not just let go. Should I have known? Am I stupid?
I feel shame that I'm causing so much fuss. I feel shame that it's hard for me to understand and communicate.

And I'm so scared, because I've never felt actual shame (and the associated vulnerability) like this before. This is the result of stripping my pride.

I'm scared.