No clients so far. Again. It's discouraging, and scary. We rely on that money. And it's not really very good incentive to try.
I had a great big meltdown about that last night: that I don't seem to have anything to show for all the effort that I've been putting in. This applies physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't see myself making progress. Am I?
One of the most frustrating parts is how easily I get overstimulated and overwhelmed since getting out of the hospital in May. It's crippling. And it makes me unwilling to leave the house, frequently. I'm not sure why that is. All that changed is adding Cymbalta. Master and I talked last night, and a lot of the things that I perceive as mania and OCD could be described as ADD-Impulsive or Combined Type. It's a direction to try with doctors, at least. I honestly want to try just scrapping every unconfirmed diagnosis, and start from scratch and be rediagnosed, properly.
Master gave me Straterra last night, to see if it would help. It did, a bit. I feel lured impulsive, jittery, restless, unstable. It's a little weird, honestly. I've never, ever been this calm. I don't feel like a zombie but I also don't feel the need to chatter, or to have noise or other stimuli. I'm still having trouble initiating actions, but I'm not frantic about it either. I feel, dare I say it, easygoing? Who knows anything from one day of medication, but I do feel differently.
In weird things, I'm a little bit obsessed with murder, particularly more gruesome types. That's not normal to me. I feel like I want to kill someone, not because I want anyone dead, just to see what it feels like. I'm scaring myself a bit, honestly.
Physical: achey, extra hypermoblie, tired, very hungry for red meat, cramps, diarrhea
What do I want today? Honestly, quiet. I'm enjoying the near silence in the house today. It's really lovely.
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