Whether it's intended or perceived, I just feel so much pressure to be ok, and to not be so complicated, and not have had an unexpected reaction to what was apparently, to Master, a basic, fun thing. And if he felt that way, fine. But how can he not see that it was anything but basic and simple to me? He seemed to see that last night, at least I thought...
How can you purposely overload every one of my five senses with awful stimuli and expect it to be simple? That alone takes a whole lot of comforting, and will leave me fragile and vulnerable and even more easily overwhelmed for a pretty significant amount of time.
How can you see my pride and vanity, my anchors when everything else is gone, be stripped away entirely, for the first time in my life, and expect that to be simple, and simple to recover from? It's terrifying. It is the most terrifying, tramatic thing I've ever experienced. Ever. In my life. And I'm trying to deal with threat while dealing with three consequences of complete sensory overload and aspie meltdown,  spacey, drop...
I'm willing to follow Master into dark, scary, traumatic and terrible places. But I need a way out of them too.
And it's awful to hear that if I knew it would be different and hard and deviate from the original plan, that I should have put the brakes on.
The minute he smeared awful, degrading things into my face was the moment that course changed from adult giggly sadist/masochist things to something else entirely, and the place where I utterly lost my ability to process information or consent.

With anyone else, I would not have allowed that to happen. I would have been on guard. I would have considered that potentially a consent violation. Or, at times when Master specifically tells me to be on guard and say something before I get to a certain point, I can. But none of that happened. I trusted my Master, and that's never a thing I'm ok with regretting, much less faulted for.
I'm ok with something being a mistake. But in a scene, unless I disobey, it's his mistake. I'm ok with him making mistakes, and we'll figure out the consequences together. I'm not ok with being reprimanded. And hearing that is so, so confusing and hurtful and like stabbing me right in the heart while I'm most vulnerable. I'm overwhelmed with hurt.

I got up and walked outside to try to be less overwhelmed. It was hot, so when he asked if I still needed to be outside, I said no, I needed to get out of the heat. But I'm still overwhelmed and vulnerable and so hurt. My senses are easy to overwhelm. I'm energetically vulnerable. I'm easily startled. I feel sick to my stomach, and I'm trying not to sob my makeup off (there's that fundamental vanity/pride again)

I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying to take responsibility for that myself. I'm not sure I'm doing well. I'm afraid that Master is upset by that too. I'm so vulnerable to that feeling. I feel like I can't win. There's no way for me to be good. I don't have enough hands to put my pieces back together, and I'm so fragile that I'm crumbling more as I try.

No acne has ever, ever effected me or my sense of self more intensely. No scene has ever been harder, mentally and emotionally. No scene even comes close.

Was that pride breaking part of the scene last night a mistake? I know it was unintended. Was it bad? Am I bad? Please tell me if it was a mistake, if you broke me and didn't mean to and don't want that. Tell me what was true and what was pretend. Tell me how scenes can work with things being pretend. Help me be comforted and healed from the damage, if you see it as damage. Help me process the apparently accidental trauma. Bring me back up, and feel unhappy about breaking me. I can trust you to make mistakes, because I know that you'll never give up on fixing the things you break.

If it was a mistake but a good one, or it wasn't a mistake and was good, please let me know that. Help me reconcile healing with how that affects my entire identity. It's confusing, and scary, and if it's not a thing to write off, I need help understanding, and knowing how to integrate myself with those feelings.

I feel, since last night, disgusting, humiliated, and unsure who I am, or where to pull strength from within myself. I know, in my mind, that I should pull strength from somewhere, beacause of how Master has trained me. Emotionally, I'm unsure, until I know if this was a scene I just don't understand, or a scene that went bad, our something I should have known was pretend. Does he even know the answer to that?

I'm so lost, so broken, so overwhelmed, so fragile, so vulnerable, so confused. Where do I go from here? What should the pieces look like after they are picked up? I can't even pick them up by myself.

I feel shame and self loathing that I was brought to such a low point. I feel shame and self loathing that I can't know what to do and put myself back together. I know this is the opposite of what he wants or likes. Did I break his trust by following all spacey and not considering what would happen, or that that was not prenegotiated? I didn't even know that I needed to pre negotiate and not just let go. Should I have known? Am I stupid?
I feel shame that I'm causing so much fuss. I feel shame that it's hard for me to understand and communicate.

And I'm so scared, because I've never felt actual shame (and the associated vulnerability) like this before. This is the result of stripping my pride.

I'm scared.

Journal 8/27/17 Morning

Physical: I'm on four hours of sleep. I have a yeast, and maybe bacterial infection. It itches like crazy. I am trying to treat it with a garlic clove. My muscles are still sore, but I don't actually feel like I'm experiencing cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. I'm also ravenously hungry.

Mental: Competent and clear headed, at least in vocabulary.

Emotional: Spacey. Maybe a bit lost, but also content to be lost as long as I'm left here. I'm not sure what my emotional trajectory should be, both for today, and going forward. What do I take from this scene? Do I keep the broken-pride thing? For how long? What does/should that look like? It's a lot to process. I don't know where to start, so for now, I'm not. Which I guess indicates that I'm still in hardcore no-decisons, need-orders after play mode. But I'm not particularly anxious about it. I'm in some weird kind of stastis.

Journal 8/26/17 Afternoon

I'm feeling way better than I was yesterday, physically. Just some dizziness and extra exhaustion. I slept all day.

My impulsivity is up though. Wayyyy up.

In notable impulsive things, I decided to delete my old Facebook, so  I posted that for the next few days people can message me if they still want to stay in touch. So I've been talking to one of my cousins and one of my higschool best friends, who I'm meeting for coffee next weekend? It's actually, I think, a really good thing. Keep people I can still sustainably love from my old life, kill off the rest of that life and burn the bridge. It's actually a nice balance from my usual all or nothing. But it may affect my emotions a bit as I process old connections being approached in a new way.

I'm fairly affixed on concepts that I guess used to be talked about as punishment, but not in a punishment kind of way. I've been looking for the right word all day and I finally found it: cruelty. I crave cruelty.

Other than that, life is fairly standard. I have no gender today.

Journal 8/24/17 Morning

Physical: Tired, but not as bad as yesterday. More stiff than in pain. Still, the comfy clean bed looks amazing to sink into.

Mental: foggy, but not terrible. No racing thoughts. I can kind of focus.

Emotional: Master really stole my energy last night and this 0morning, and I am feeling the void. I'm not even sure what I feel, because I don't have the mana to feel it.

Journal 8/23/17 Afternoon

I am in a weird a fucking mood.

I was really fussy, and then I remembered that this morning I was not happy about working because I had to be a girl. I went and put on boy clothes and felt significantly better.

Today, for some reason, I was really obsessive about snuff porn. I have no idea where that came from. Not just asphyxiation either. Like, beheading, and then fucking the head since it stays sentient for a bit. Or nipples cut off with a knife. Or impaling on a pike, and then being roasted and eaten. Or a table saw slicing someone in half, while sentient, starting with the vagina. I'm still all worked up just writing about it. I don't know whether I want to be the person being killed or doing the killing. Can I have both? I want my pain, I want others' pain. I want blood, and bone, and screams, and something inhuman. I could kill someone tonight, with a dull knife, and enjoy it.
Is this what people call bloodlust?

I feel masculine, I feel primal, not like a genet, but something else.

I did some playing with magic. I feel powerful, but uncontrolled.

I'm also aware that I might sound delusional and unstable. I really actually don't care. I want to cut something, or to bleed, or to kill or to nearly die, but not quite. I want to wreak havok with sorcery. I want to toy with prey. I want control, or, less so, to be utterly controlled. I feel powerful, and dark, and glimmering.

Journal 8/22/17 Evening

I'm lying in bed next to Master, in minimal pain and minimal anxiety, having had a very productive day, and with mana (my new word for spoons) to spare.

My slave self is affirmed because of Master's praise.

My little self is thrilled by having been very good. Good enough for a snow cone!

Kierna is appeased by having so much time out!

Doll is glowing, internally and externally, because actual face washing and new moisturizer are very rejuvenating, and my skin has needed it badly.

I've been cycling between physical tasks and static tasks, with some rest thrown in. I'm running out of mana fast as ever. But it's recharging comparatively quickly.

I wish I knew what worked today. I want to keep doing it. I can't help but feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Possible positive factors:

- altar set up
- planner
- sleeping primal
- decent food
- sitting outside
- having a goal (being good enough for a snow cone. Concretely measureable!)


Maybe it's a combination of everything. I have to just keeping seeing what helps, and keep as many of those things going as possible. Here's wishes for an equally good day tomorrow!

For now, it's time for sleep.

Your slavedollpet loves you, Master! 💋

Journal 8/21/17 Afternoon

That eclipse today really threw neme for a loop. It was like a full moon except way, way more intense. I woke up feeling good (I slept primal again), and about the time the eclipse hit, I was so, so drained, and everything felt like it was slow motion. Simultaneously, I was really, really overwhelmed. As soon as I finished my first client, I should have had another, but he quit responding, so I slept through the rest of the eclipse. When I woke up, I felt good again. It was very strange.

My first client was very shy. He was really young, and didn't know what to expect. He just stared at the ceiling. I wasn't even sure what he was consenting to. It was really disconcerting.

I was fairly productive today, though. I called the rental agency, and got answers to all of my questions. I asked Bailey for proof of income. I called about my Ulta order. I was ready for my first client, who came at 10:40. I caught up my work records.

I still have spoons, just not physical ones. I'm still hurting a fair bit (nerve and muscle pain, and my hand) But I'm clear headed, and emotionally calm. A lot of my biggest stressors are resolved.
I'm not sure what to do with my spoons. Maybe catch up paperwork and online things. And slice that watermelon.

I'd be happy with just about anything tonight. I'm fine working and relaxing on my own, even if Master leaves the house. I can adapt to spending time together, too, particularly if I have a heads up to transition my brain. I can talk, or not talk. The park sounds very nice, as long as there is a comfortable place to sit.

I do need some time to debrief about practical things today, though.

I'm overall pretty happy. Right now I'm writing and vaping outside, listening to goth music, and enjoying the breeze and cool air. The bugs aren't even bothering me.

What an unexpected and lovely reprieve from the frenzy of late.

Journal 8/20/17 Evening

Physical: hurting. Hand and right rib are the worst.

Mental: Calm, clear headed and motivated. I got a planner today! Shaving Master with my straight razor yesterday seemed to help me calm down.

Emotional: I fell asleep and woke up this morning as a genet, and I think it helped. In particular it was grounding. I also got to get a rainbow of candles and re-set up my altar. I'm low on spoons, but I think it's mostly pain related. Nothing feels super overwhelming, and I'm hoping that will continue tomorrow. I'm a little anxious about whether we will get the house we want. I really hope so.
I'm excited to sleep as a pet and to work tomorrow!

Journal 8/19/17 Evening

Physical: a little more relaxed, a little less in pain. the bed is comfy. My nail keeps lifting, though, and is really a problem.

Mental: my brain is less frantic. I got to focus on shaving Master, which helped my brain focus, and was very grounding. Before that he spanked me a little, and that wasn't emotional or sexual, but it really helped my brain a lot. It cleared my head and calmed my anxiety. I am calm, rational, and reasonable, and I can communicate easily.

Emotional: shaving Master, naked cuddles, and talking were wonderful. I think I needed intimacy (not necessarily sexual or dynamic) to wash away the nonsense of the past few days, and all the performative intimacy of work.
I want to be taken care of, and loved, and petted. Especially petted. I want to be a little animal pet who can walk and (maybe) talk still. That's what I want tonight and tomorrow. Feed me, water me, pet me, feel affection toward me.
Kierna is even back, finally. I'm so glad.

Purrrrrr.

Journal 8/19/17 Afternoon

Physical: I'm really sore, easily hungry, and I just had a burning match drop pin muy skin, not go out, burn my inner thigh, and now my legs feel sparks, as though there's a high powered violet wand on them. Also, my entire vulva and vagina feel like they are friction burned.

Mental and Emotional: Dissociated from the "collar bone pinned" client.

I want pizza.

Journal 8/18/17 Evening

After a good meal, coffee, talking with Master, cuddles, a little bit of masochism, actually taking clonidine, being at the park, and having some little time, I'm finally doing better. My gods, I'm high maintenance!

Alternative journal structure:

Slave: I'm really developing trust in  Master's process. Today, I couldn't figure out how to be ok, so I let go and let him try. And for once, I didn't frantically question his ideas. It worked. A little bit of trial and error, but it worked.

Orlen: My gender is pretty nonexistent today. My sense of self was reaffirmed in a realization that the Bairds are not my family. I died to that old life two years ago, and I need to break that connection with even my siblings. That's not my life, that's not my name. (Beth got me a name change packet today, in fact)
On that note, today is the first time my little felt like they were named Orli and not Dari. I'm thinking the internal child little went through the therapeutic growing up process, and now I have a little side by choice, which is nice.
I'd like to redo the identity ritual, though. But this time, with the cleansing process being my own. I can make the choice myself now, whereas before, I needed Master to do it for me.

Orli: Uhhhhhh? People? I don't know. That's all complicated, and I'm not touching it tonight.

Whore: I didn't get to work today, and I'm sad about it. I'm hoping I'll get a lot of clients tomorrow. I'm back to liking my job. I just hate not getting clients.

Kierna: Missing. And I miss her. Come back!

Journal 8/18/17 Afternoon

I'm really, realty not ok. Before I get into that though, here's what I've missed writing about the past few days:

-Rope performance with Aisha. It went very well, until Cat decided to put her fingers, causing a mark, under the rope on Aisha's neck.

-Master and Beth missed my performance. I freaked out, but handled it pretty well. I used coping skills.

-Client to kick out, SD client, and triggery-gentle client.

-Saw Mars, finally. Experienced sex at gunpoint. Loved it.

-Found an amazing 4 bedroom house. I have the applications now, and I'm very, very anxious about them.

Physical: tense muscles, nerve pain, very hot, dizzy, hard to eat, headache

Mental: Mind racing,debilitating anxiety. I can't do anything. I've barely fed myself and taken meds. I made a phone call to the rental agency to get the applications. I had nightmares all night, and all day. I called in to work. I tried to pay bills, and couldn't. No texture is ok.

Emotional: So, so overwhelmed. Scared. Small. I can't deal with strangers. I can't walk to the mailbox. I can't stop shaking. I'm flitting between little, and big, but small, and the whiplash is insane. Neither state is better. I want Master, and Arcane, and Beth, and no one else. I'm really stressed that I didn't work today. Lance is mad at me, I think. I'm scared about not getting a house. It seems insurmountable. I don't know what I need.

Help.

Journal 8/15/17 Morning/Afternoon

I'm finally getting this journal done. I've slept all day.

Physically, I'm fine. It's all mental and emotional.

I guess I'm still in a depressive swing. Or maybe it's antibiotics? I'm having such a hard time not just curling up and starting at a wall, and I'm only not crying because my makeup is too good.
I've made a little bit of progress on houses. We'll see how that goes. I've done literally nothing else productive today. Arcane completely ruined my dish washing system, so I don't even want to do dishes here and there. I'm so discouraged. Effort takes so much out of me. It sucks when I don't have much to show for it.
I had the weirdest dream that I was in a mental hospital for two years, in an old hotel, that somehow also included a really good private school. I did really well, and even won a cotillion kind of competition (my biggest contender was Dagger?) but then I somehow was in some sort of amnesia kind of thing the rest of the two years, and no one knew, until they were getting ready to discharge me (to my parents, but I don't know who they were) and I woke up.

I don't know how to be ok, or to feel better. I need care, but I can't figure it out myself. Master, will you please try to figure out what I need or what to try, and I'll do that?

Journal 8/14/17 Evening

Physical: sore throat, blistered hands

Mental: My mind is running a million miles an hour, and I can't stop. At the same time, I am physically and emotionally low on spoons. I wish I could could do something productive, like cleaning.

Emotional: I think how fast spoons get used makes me really interested in specific direction. I also still really want things like vanilla sadism, and I'm a bit sexual. Masturbation and slapping or something? Watersports? I don't really need aftercare, and I can take care of myself.


I may have found some house possibilities. I'll call them tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Aisha and I practiced rope today,  since we're performing on Wednesday. It went incredibly well! Our best scene so far.

My heart is sad. I just found out Tori doesn't want to come back to Albuquerque. Like ever. And Phoenix said a thing on Facebook that seems a whole lot like we're not friends. The thing with Mars isn't going very well. I hate losing people. I never, ever let go. I don't know how. I hurt so much, because I love so hard.

Journal 8/14/17 Morning

Physical: I'm tired, coughing, and had a really bad asthma attack last night. My eyes are pretty painful, and I woke up fairly dehydrated. I'm pretty low on spoons.

Mentally: Also low on spoons. I feel okay, because this morning is pretty simple, but I'm not sure how I'd handle anything more complicated. I'm still feeling the desire for clear and specific direction, though I'm unclear as to whether it's a want or a need.  It's so mentally restful, and my brain does feel like it needs rest.

Emitional: I'm a little shut down, but I think that's probably good at this point. I have a lot on my mind. (For example, Aisha's support of Trump, and apathy about the literal murder of POC. Why should she be the exception to my "no tolerance" policy?)
I'm choosing to not really engage with my feelings this morning.
I have a little bit of sassiness today, and a bit of intensity, but I'm too tired for those to be very prominent.

My goals for the day are to work, duo everything I can to get some spoons back, particularly mentally, and, if I feel good enough, to do some cleaning.
My strategy is going to be doing five minutes or less of cleaning at a time, scattered throughout three day.

Journal 8/13/17 Evening

Physical: the blisters on my hands hurt, my body is achey, I'm on the edge of a headache, I'm getting weird mast cell reactions today, and my throat hurts. Some of that, I think, is allergies.

Mental: Thinking is hard. I'm very, very literal. Very simple. I'm probably a little spacey.

I think I said this morning that I wanted to be simple? I think this is what I meant. Brain shut down. Clear and specific orders. I really wish I had figured that out much earlier in the day. I don't feel like I've had enough time to happily and smoothly return to normal brain functioning in the morning. I wonder if I can ask for orders for tomorrow? I'd like to.

Emotional: I don't know. I don't really want to know.

I know I'm much closer to hurt and lost and crying than to angry and yelling.

Journal 8/13/17 Morning

Physical: my right knee was hurting a lot when I woke up. I think I'm generally achey, but not enough to notice unless I really think about it.

Mental: I'm clear headed verbally, but a little dizzy otherwise. I'm likely to be easily confused and overwhelmed by certain verbal things today, though less so with written words.

Emotional: I'm still a little bit little, and a little bit primal. I'm not at all sexual, though we know how fast that can change. I'm emotionally vulnerable, but out of fucks to give, meaning I'll be easily hurt, but not spiral-y and more just quiet and maybe sad.

I want grounding, comforting things. weekday sounds the best is if I can get just a bit spacey, but not tax my body or think too much. Things like tight hugs with a little nails, sitting on the floor leaned against Master's legs, laying under his feet, curled up by his lower body, and particularly the warm, grounding,  kisses of watersports on my body.

I think I'd also feel pretty good about simple commands:  don't talk, or sit without moving, or make this,  or eat that, or do this small house project (desk, or bathroom, or counters, or fridge,  or whatever)  and have it done by such and such time.

I guess how I feel, and where I want to stay today, is simple. Just simple.

Journal 8/12/17 Evening

Physical: Bruised, my eyes hurt, I'm achey from being in the car all day, period.

Mental: Easily confused, easy overwhelmed, hard to slow down or quiet my brain without emotional fallout. Lots of forgetfulness, and losing my train of thought. Easily overstimulated.

Emotional: Anxious, probably droppy, about to cry, nothing is "right." Restless, fussy. I can't seem to make myself go little or primal as easily as I usually can. I simultaneously want to scream and shut down.  Green chile didn't even help. Nothing seems good except shopping or shoplifting. I want emotional and verbal and physical connection from Master, but I am very fussy about what that looks like. I don't want to play, or fuck, or eat, or watch Netflix, or sleep, or be home. The only thing I've actively enjoyed today was 99 cent Goodwill, and some of the time that Master was petting my head. I don't what I want or need, and besides shopping or shoplifting, the only thing that sounds ok or even vaguely appealing is a robot/doll/toy/objectification thing (and yes, I know I freaked out about that the other day) and just following specific, concrete, clear orders: anything from "sit here silently until I release you" to "kneel with your head in this toilet"

A shower sounds ok. A blanket. Soft things. A new bear. Making grumpy sounds and glaring and fussing. A kid movie.

Yeahhhh: maybe I should just be little. That did help with spacey and drop in the past.

.... which also solidifies that I really need to not wait 48 hours to journal. It would have saved everyone a lot of frustration.

Oops.

Journal 8/10/17 Morning

Physical: I took a shower, and that was nice. I slept pretty well last night too, like 5.5 hours, and woke up naturally at 8. I'm still hurting and bendy, but not as bad. Still having GI problems though, so I'm not eating much. I've lost another couple of pounds,  probably more than that, since I'm on my period as of today and that tends to make me bloated.

Mental: I took straterra last night, and I'm definitely more easy going today. I'm still sleepy, and mote motivated, but not by a lot. I did a little bit of bathroom cleaning, and I will try to do more of it today, and/or maybe some dishes. No clients yet, which is frustrating.

Emotional: Master explained to me why he seemed more engaged when I shielded. He was trying to save the scene because I felt disconnected. That explanation really helped. Then I felt like I needed aftercare,  and I got it. Today, I might be dropping a little? I just want sleep, cuddles, and maybe a little bit of grinding or spanking. I don't feel very primal, or little. A little bit anxious, but not frantic. It's manageable.
Overall, I'm pretty ok.

Journal 8/9/16 Morning

Physical: I hurt a lot
My hands arms neck address 5 the worst.

 my eyes hurt too and my face is swollen. I can't get hydrated. 

Mental: Dropping so, so hard. I'm a bit spacey still. And I want all the food, particularly Mexican, so badly. I'm devastated, and confused, and I don't know where to start unraveling everything. I need help, especially therapy-ish help.
 It's hard to initiate thought processes, but I can answer questions.

Emotions: Fuck

Worship Through My Pain

My heart is breaking. It hurts so much. I wanted, needed, felt, connection, and passion, and intimacy, and I wanted to share that with Master, and feel that current flow back and forth. And I tried, I tried so hard. And if he just was too tired, too drained, I would have been disappointed, and sad, and emotionally hungry still. But not heartbroken. Not like this.

He said he liked how hard I was trying. He wanted to see how hard I would try, and then he would just stop. So in a for of playfulness, I shielded. I put a wall. I took that stimuli of my effort away, and for all he could tell, I just lay there, being used. I thought it would keep him interested. Be a little bit of a playful game. And the minute I did, he wanted my body. The minute I did, he engaged... but not with my heart, or my passion, or my worship. With my pain, and with my objectification. Without the pressure of trying to connect with me, and share a fiery, passionate lust and love and power exchange. As an object, he wanted to take me. As Orli, full of love and adoration and worship and passion, he just was not feeling it.

I hurt so bad. Not just physically. I hurt because my soul feels unwanted and uninteresting and unengaging. I hurt because he wants me for my pain and my use as an object. He cares for me, but as an ever present strong, protective tree, not as a roaring, consuming fire. I wanted to be consumed, but I am buried. I buried myself, but he liked it, and now my tears are mud soaked.

I hurt so much. My gift was not the right one. I am an object. I am a receptacle for pain. That's what I can give. I should not have striven to offer something else and expected to be found worthy of reciprocation. Objectified has always been my state between us. What's wrong with me, that I would forget that? Have I changed so much? I hurt so very, very deeply.

I was wrong.

I hope this moment finds him asleep. I don't want connection forced by tears. I've done enough of that to last a lifetime. I long to share adoration and joy, as a peer, and a partner, who has submitted to his doctrine through love and consuming passion for his creeds. My heart is broken, but my devotion is not. It was misplaced. I'll find my place somehow. I'll worship in unobtrusive availability. I'll worship with my pain.

Journal 8/8/17 Afternoon

Physical: My back hurts and I'm having some equilibrium problems.  I nearly passed out on the floor this morning. I'm also having some digestive problems, and I'm constantly hungry, which is to be expected the week before I start my period. There's not a lot of solid, salty food at home.

Mental: I'm a bit scattered, frantic, and animated, but clear headed, and my vocabulary is good. I haven't had trouble with executive dysfunction today.

Emotional: There's a fair bit of stress. The kitchen stool isn't done, despite days of assurance that it would be, and I'm having a hard time trusting Master to address that with Arcane, since I'm not seeing results. That, combined with the lack of quick foods that the kitchen will allow me to prepare, besides cereal, is a major stressor.
My doctor's appointment was shit. Julie DiCianno is so rude, and dismissive, and unprofessional, and awful. She actually got mad to the point that she slammed her phone down on the counter, really hard. She set me up with the psych in that office, though, for the 24th, which is hopeful. I guess he actually sends people out to a psychiatric neurologist to get diagnoses solidified. She would not touch my meds, so I got super frantic and calmed every urgent care in town and asked who could. I ended up getting my lamictal raised, and straterra added. And, the urgent care I went to had an amazing CNP, who will be accepting patients as a PCP within a few weeks. I'm so happy about that.
It's nice to see some results from all of the frantic trying, and trying, and trying. I'm daring to hope that things might get better.
I'm very grateful for how much energy and time Master has put into helping me figure these things out and then manage them.

I'm also very sexual today. Not hysteria sexual, just please-rape-me sexual. I feel like a third of the way to spacey orgasm just being within a few inches of Master. I don't know if he just feels extra virile to me currently, or what.
I'm oozing pheremones from every pore, and he probably is too. It's distracting.
Any combination of force/power, penetration (particularly by a body part), and cum on or in me, sounds amazing.  Anything involving passion, and I have enough for both of us. Feet in my mouth?Fingers down my throat? Being under his feet? Him masturbating against me, but never quite penetrating me, until he fists me with his cum as lube...  Shoved against a wall, arms pinned above kissing? (This sounds particularly good, actually. Anything that pins my body against his. Even that thing he used to do of grinding on top of me, then getting up and leaving) I'm also very sensual, both in a tactile way and an energetic way. He feels so good. I know he's tired and everything, but everything he puts off is so good. I felt like that last when we went to bed. I want to be entirely consumed in that. Watersports even sounds good, or being spit on. Everything from his body is good.
...Apparently I feel pretty worshipful today, also. I've been thinking alot today and yesterday about him as my diety.

I wonder what today might bring.

Journal 8/7/17 Morning

Today, I did everything right. I got up, drank a lot of water, ate a bagel, made coffee and drank it, took meds, got ready for work.

No clients so far. Again. It's discouraging, and scary. We rely on that money.  And it's not really very good incentive to try.

I had a great big meltdown about that last night:  that I don't seem to have anything to show for all the effort that I've been putting in. This applies physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't see myself making progress. Am I?
One of the most frustrating parts is how easily I get overstimulated and overwhelmed since getting out of the hospital in May. It's crippling. And it makes me unwilling to leave the house, frequently. I'm not sure why that is. All that changed is adding Cymbalta. Master and I talked last night, and a lot of the things that I perceive as mania and OCD could be described as ADD-Impulsive or Combined Type. It's a direction to try with doctors, at least. I honestly want to try just scrapping every unconfirmed diagnosis, and start from scratch and be rediagnosed, properly.

Master gave me Straterra last night, to see if it would help. It did, a bit. I feel lured impulsive, jittery, restless, unstable. It's a little weird, honestly. I've never, ever been this calm. I don't feel like a zombie but I also don't feel the need to chatter, or to have noise or other stimuli. I'm still having trouble initiating actions, but I'm not frantic about it either. I feel, dare I say it, easygoing? Who knows anything from one day of medication, but I do feel differently.

In weird things, I'm a little bit obsessed with murder, particularly more gruesome types. That's not normal to me. I feel like I want to kill someone, not because I want anyone dead,  just to see what it feels like. I'm scaring myself a bit, honestly.

Physical: achey, extra hypermoblie, tired, very hungry for red meat, cramps, diarrhea


What do I want today? Honestly, quiet. I'm enjoying the near silence in the house today. It's really lovely.

Journal 8/5/17 Morning

Physical: I slept incredibly well last night. I'm in very

little pain today, except in my bladder. I feel way less sick than I have in a while. I showered this morning, and it was lovely. My skin is clearing up. I think my blood pressure it's still a little low, so I skipped clonidine this morning again, but I took it last night.

Mental: My OCD has calmed down significantly. It seems like I frequently need just one or two things to be right, and nothing else seems so bad. Master spent a lot of time looking for my collar last night, and I'm really grateful. It feels so good to have it on.
My thoughts are clear, but not racing. I'm having trouble initiating actions though. Starting this journal was a struggle. I still want to sleep.

Emotional: I'm pretty content. I still want cuddles and kisses more than anything.

Jpurnal 8/4/17 Evening

Oh my goddddd I've been trying for hours to focus enough to write this.

Master found my old collar.  I'm so happy to have it back on. And now that my collar is back on, and right, everything else seems less wrong. Even my nails. It's so strange, that such small things make such a huge difference for my ocd.

I'm much less melancholy now too.

Also, today I came, screaming and shaking, in the car, because Master pulled my hair a certain way

There's a lot rattling in my head, but this is all i can give enough focus to

My hair is not ok and my skin is not ok and my nails are not ok and my joints are not ok and my face is not ok and my eyebrows are not ok and the stupid hair between my legs is not ok and my digestive system is not ok and my blood is not ok and my collar is not ok and now my Master's skin is not ok and my brain is not ok and my lungs are not ok and my eyes are not ok and my teeth and jaw are not ok and my hands are not ok and my back is not ok and my urinary tract is not ok and my liver is not ok and water is not ok. Nothing is ok.


And I can't make anything ok. Everything gets lost or taken from me and I search and search and never find them. Everything. Everything.


And now my couch spot is not ok and my bedroom is not ok, and the whole house is full of cat pee, and the only thing I can find is the thing I would be happy to never see again.


I will never get better. Nothing gets better. Anything I think I have gets taken or broken or lost or burned or dies or hates me.


And things I think I got rid of come back.


I can't. Help. Someone help me make things ok. Is anyone ok? I don't know anyone who is. I used to be ok. And then it got taken. Everything gets taken. And lost. And broken. And burned. Every good and happy and right thing. Everything/

Journal 8/3/17 Evening

Physical: My nail hurts and that finger dislocates, and I have an ant bite. I feel pretty achey and tired, and I have all day. My stomach is getting upset easily, and I having mast cell reactions more often than normal. Nicotine makes me feel sick.

Mental: still having hallucinations, I think from the antibiotics. Today I thought the house was on fire.

Emotional: I went little twice today, and watched Moana. That was really helpful, and I was happy. I also seemed to be able to get to Kierna and back and forth more easily while I was little. I spent a fair bit of time with Chloe, and I really liked that. We were more like friends than normal. Last night I had a dream that she was my service dog out in a big city, and then ran away and got killed. I've been having really vivid dreams lately.
Once I stopped being little, both times, I just got really sad, and heavy feeling. Like I have been most of the day. I don't know if I should just be little more until it passes? I don't want to be one of "those" people.
I'm also really, really bothered by Master having marks. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest and I just want to sob. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out why.
My nails are really bothering me. The new place makes them thick, and so when I cut them, now they look and feel weird to me. And Kierna is still upset about not having claws.

I want lots of physical touch still, mostly from Master, but Arcane is good too. And to be big, but feel as happy as when I am little. And I also want all of the soft, nice textures.

I'm stressed about getting into a doctor, and my health, and going to kink events with Aisha and not Master, and a myriad of other things.

I don't know how to be ok, but I'm trying to keep my head above water.

Journal 8/3/17 Afternoon

I just want to sleep. I'm so tired and achey and dehydrated. Executive functioning and motivation are hard. It's hard to even vape. Or think. I did one client. I'm writing this. That's all.

Journal 8/2/17 Evening

Physical: gone except my nail hurts and my stomach is upset.

Mental: Hallucination? Rational enough to realize I wasn't being rational. Foggy but self aware, I guess?

Emotional: !!!!!!!!!! All the something, trying to come out in spirals. Kierna in particular is very upset and insecure, I think about claws. So anything about primal stuff that pushes those buttons is bad. I also had night terrors while napping.

Vanilla sadism, and loud Halestorm in the car seemed to help with the excess energy. Now I'm just sexual. Apparently Master's lion is sexual towards me? I didn't know that.

Journal 8/2/17 Afternoon

So, I'm staying home. I have movies picked out, and planned comfy clothes, cuffs, blanket, stuffed animals, face  mask, pizza, good coffee, chocolate, merlot.

I have had lots of cuddles, and some single tail on my back.

Percent chance of spiral: 17%

Journal 8/2/17 Morning

Physical: my nail is still sore, but significantly better. Out seems like either the super glue took, or it readhered on its own. I accidentally cut off my circulation last night with the bandaid. My whole body aches, but my muscles are relaxed. Using the couch pillow to sleep on last night was really helpful. Also, I apparently can take nsaids if I take hydroxizine. That's  useful. I'm also shaking a whole lot.

Mental: I'm fairly clear headed, but I also feel a bit dissociated, which is dangerous.

Emotional: I feel sad,  insecure, and hurt. I'm more likely to be hurt and break down than to spiral. Everything seems heavy. This morning was really rough. I woke up to awful anonymous messages.
I used a few coping skills. I took a shower, and vaped while doing that. I ate a really good breakfast. And I turned on music. That helped, a bit. Now I'm cuddled under a blanket on the couch, trying to do more self care. Sweatpants and a tshirt.
I also had a lot of night terrors last night, and I'm not sure why.

Chance of spiral or meltdown if I leave home:  45%

Chance of spiral or meltdown if I'm home: 30%

Journal 8/1/17 Evening

Physical: my nail is excruciating. I'm really worried about hitting it again, and I also can't cut it with anything I have. I want to get cutters for acrylic nails tomorrow. My body went into shock, and I got freezing cold and cramping. Chips, tea, and  getting warm, and motrin helped. I still don't feel good, but it's not as bad.

Mental: I'm really overwhelmed, and not really understanding anything that isn't short and concrete. Some combination of overstimulated and drop and pain-spacey? I just know I'm getting really scared and panicky (which sometimes looks like anger) when I get confused, and I'm getting confused really easily.

Emotional: Discouraged, scared, panicky, sad, insecure, easily hurt. Also, Kierna is upset about the nail because it's a claw. How do you deal with upset primal?
I'm really battling feelings of not good enough. Nothing is enough to get ahead and be ok, no matter how hard I try. And when it might affect Master and Beth. He said if I'm closer to spiral than not spiral, I can ask him to postpone them playing, and whatever his feelings, it will not actually reflect badly on me, and will not make me bad or not good. That helps, because at least of things don't get better, that situation or the guilt from asking it to not happen, will at least be not added to the pile. I'm grateful that Master is being so patient. I'm trying hard to focus on that, and not feelings of inadequacy or guilt. It's hard.
I don't have a safe space that isn't Master. It used to be Sidewinders, and now it isn't. Used to be UBH, now it's gone.  Used to be home, that got ruined. Used to be my room, now I don't have one. Cage? No room.

I guess I have to know what safe means, and I don't know that either.

Ugh

Journal 8/1/17 Afternoon

I'm exhausted, and anxious, and not really sure why.  Possibilities include:

-generally sick
-antibiotics
-ant bites
-natural gas fumes
-mold from A/C
-drop?
- Not putting my rings back on after work
-hungry
I'm thinking it's probably a combination of all of them.

I just want to go back to bed or the couch with Master, and have all of the physical contact and relaxing. And also ice cream. (Ice cream makes me suspect a little bit of drop)

Kierna is pretty influential in how I feel today. I don't need a whole lot of active interaction, just don't leave the room or I will freak. Being petted and scratched feel the best today.

I don't want Master to play with Beth tomorrow. It's just so close to the last time they did a significant and intimate thing (Master has deep scratches!?) that I haven't really had time to change the turning in my stomach to indifference or compersion. I'm not ready to add more stomach turning to the que.

But, it might all just be anxiety from outside sources that will dissipate naturally before then.

Nevertheless, I'm clingy as fuck, and I want all the affirmation.

Journal 8/1/17 Morning

Physical: good, but cold. We had middle of the night sex, so I'm a little itchy.

Mental: Not quite awake, and having a little bit of executive functioning issues. It promises to be an ok day though.

Emotional: I'm pretty anxious and stressed. I woke up late, which sucks because I kind of wanted a shower (weird, right?)
The gas lines are being replaced, and so the dogs have to be inside, which is really stressful when combined with work.
I really just want cuddles. Like, I can manage all the other things, and I will, but I don't want to. But for now, I'm curled up in bed with Master, and it's lovely. 

Journal 7/31/17 Evening

Date, good food, driving, predicament of the takeout boxes, music, hugs, affection, canes, counting, orgasm that didn't stop.

I'm happy, a little spacey, but still functional. It feels weird, but good to experience play in moderation, instead of "feast or famine"

Because the problem with feasts is that you eat yourself sick.

3-5 small meals a day? 😄

I'm going to bed happy, healthy, relaxed, and spoiled. Mmmm.