Journal 8/3/17 Evening

Physical: My nail hurts and that finger dislocates, and I have an ant bite. I feel pretty achey and tired, and I have all day. My stomach is getting upset easily, and I having mast cell reactions more often than normal. Nicotine makes me feel sick.

Mental: still having hallucinations, I think from the antibiotics. Today I thought the house was on fire.

Emotional: I went little twice today, and watched Moana. That was really helpful, and I was happy. I also seemed to be able to get to Kierna and back and forth more easily while I was little. I spent a fair bit of time with Chloe, and I really liked that. We were more like friends than normal. Last night I had a dream that she was my service dog out in a big city, and then ran away and got killed. I've been having really vivid dreams lately.
Once I stopped being little, both times, I just got really sad, and heavy feeling. Like I have been most of the day. I don't know if I should just be little more until it passes? I don't want to be one of "those" people.
I'm also really, really bothered by Master having marks. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest and I just want to sob. I don't know why, and I don't know how to find out why.
My nails are really bothering me. The new place makes them thick, and so when I cut them, now they look and feel weird to me. And Kierna is still upset about not having claws.

I want lots of physical touch still, mostly from Master, but Arcane is good too. And to be big, but feel as happy as when I am little. And I also want all of the soft, nice textures.

I'm stressed about getting into a doctor, and my health, and going to kink events with Aisha and not Master, and a myriad of other things.

I don't know how to be ok, but I'm trying to keep my head above water.