Journal 10/30/17 Morning

I haven't written these in awhile. I keep meaning to, and I've just been having a hard time focusing lately. But I'm going to make it a priority, at least twice a day, and I would like, if it's available, some accountability (though I will not rely on that)

Physical: Things hurt. I'm very tired. My sleep last night was restless. My allergies are bad. My head hurts. The UTI I was afraid of seems to have calmed down, mostly.

Mental and Emotional:

There is the aforementioned lack  of focus, also alternating with extreme hyperfocus. It's really odd. I'm a little jumpier than usual, and alternating between very hungry and not hungry at all. I am also a bit disconcerted, because I still feel engaged with my life, and I am still conscious of wants and likes and dislikes, but I dont feel a lot of emotion. I feel untouchable. I feel like nothing particularly matters. I feel nihilistic. I don't care about much of anything (except my dynamic and my Master, but that is much more a choice and commitment than a feeling currently.)

....and now I lost focus and forgot what else I was going to write.

Conclusions of tonight's play

We've gotten kind of disconnected, and there's some rebuilding of trust to be done. The tuna scene broke a lot of things.

I can't even orgasm fully. Under any conditions.

How to go about any of that? We'll have to figure that out tomorrow. Which means more thinking, instead of emotion. Hopefully tonight took enough of an edge off to make that possible.

Tonight was the third time in two days that I've asked permission to cuddle and he said no. I asked to sit on the floor by him and he said no. And my vulnerable heart is hurting. Have I done something wrong? Have I become overall less desirable?

He's disengaged from opinions on how I dress, look, what I own. What holes and adornementare in my
What did I do wrong?

Am I a bad doll? Will I ever be a good one?

I'm good enough to be fucked, barely.

How am I failing? Please let me work on it. I promise to be better, I just don't understand what I have to do.

Doll

I want to serve and submit publicly, and perfectly, and beautifully. I've trained for years. I've trained others. I want to feel beautiful, and make others envy my Master, and reflect well on him. Public protocol and service brings many feelings to many people in an area.  Envy, joy, discomfort. As any art does. Art brings forth emotion. Things you feel, things you miss feeling, things you long to feel, things you are afraid of feeling.
I am, in high protocol form, that art, and I long to be displayed. 

Dolls are for display. Dolls are for visually sharing. Dolls are larger than life, in ways that are beautiful, and ways that cause discomfort, but always, always, in ways that make one FEEL.

Let me feel, and let me make YOU, all of you, feel. Let me show you my art.

OH MY GODS I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BABY MAKING PLANS AS YOU PRETEND I'M NOT IN THE ROOM. NOT WHILE BLOOD IS POURING FROM MY VAGINA LIKE IT DID WHEN MY FIVE BABIES DIED. NOT WHEN ONE OF YPU SUPPOSEDLY CAME TO SEE ME. NOT WHEN YOU'RE NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH ME BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GO MAKE A BABY. STOP. STOP. FUCKING STOP. I CAN'T. FUCK OFF.

Journal 10/9/17 Afternoon

Physical: I have a headache from allergies, and I knocked my back out of place from cleaning the kitchen (but hooray clean kitchen!) My legs disappeared earlier and I ended up on the ground surrounded by glass. So that's not great. But I rested my legs and had salt and water and I can at least walk unassisted now. I didn't take any clonidine this morning, and I ate cottage cheese which I think helped. Beth is bringing home Freddy's, so that's good too. I'm actually bleeding again.

Mental and emotional: I'm very dissociated today. I'm having trouble connecting to anyone. But I'm doing well pretending! Beth and I had a client who wanted to watch us together, and I did well at that and with interacting with the client. And Solomon was scratching me while I cleaned the kitchen and I responded normally, I think. I have almost had emotions several times, but I kmow they are spirally and instable, so I'm just letting myself dissociate. Last night was rough, but I cant even think about it because I'm so foggy from dissociating. I would like to find a time for catharsis and processing and dealing with all those things though.

I've noticed that I'm pretty active and bouncy, until I lay on the bed. I don't know if I need to cleanse the bed, or if I am just responding to being horizontal. Either way, I'm pretty stuck if I lay on the bed.

Cuddles feel good. Kissing feels good. I want to cuddle amd kiss with Beth. I'm definitely developing some feelings there, and I suspect they are too.

I asked Solomon to cut me later. We'll see howthat goes.

Journal 10/5/17 Afternoon

I am so proud of myself. I drank a fuckton last night, nursed myself through the misery, woke up of my own voilition, and have been working on hydrating, pretty successfully! I took two clients, and actually did my best with them. I even showered this morning! In fact, my hangover cure was a five hour energy, buttery toast, gatorade, and excedrine, followed by a shower. It worked fairly well! And I fed Beth and I cheesy eggs.

Physical: I'm tense and sore. Also, um, blood and mucus from my digestive system? I feel fairly fevershish, tired, and so, so hungry. I can't stop shaking. But I'm fairly functional!

Mental: It's hard to focus, but all things considered, I'm doing pretty good.

Emotional: I really want touch. The client who cuddled with us helped some. The full moon isnt affecting me as much as it normally does.

Journal 10/2/17 Morning

Goddamnit. I lack all the self control, apparently. I bit Solomon's neck really hard, and now he's pissed. Understandably. And I'm crashing now, and it's my own fault. Ugh.

Physical: I didn't take a muscle relaxer last night because I fell asleep unexpectedly. Also, I dislocated my shoulder pretty badly, just from leaning on it. Solomon helped me fix it, but it still hurts. I suspect that my body hurts more than I realize at the moment.

Mental: I'm kind of foggy and very lucid all at the same time. I just want to sleep, not really because I'm tired, but because I'm just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed isn't the right word, but I can't think of a good one. I would like a break, even from good things. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel like there's not enough sleep in the world.

Emotional: Uhhhhhh... this question is too hard.