Journal 7/30/17 Afternoon

Physical: I just got out of the ER. I have some kind of urinary tract problem, and my urine was brown this morning. I don't feel good at all. They gave me antibiotics and a referral for a urologist. I'm achey, nauseated, sore throat, headache, and tired.

The mildew swamp cooler is also making me sick.

Mental: I woke up unable to think. Actually zero spoons, which is very rare for me. I'm still foggy, but a few more spoons, I think because of saline.

Emotional: The A/C and "not even trying" issue. I don't have energy to elaborate.

I'm pretty insecure and easily hurt today, possibly because I'm sick. I asked Master for gentleness eventually, using the "yellow, gentle" phrase.

Master explained to me today about the energy connection and sort of telepathy thing with Beth. They're essentially playing a game and trying to spy on eachother. It's not so much that they are developing such a significant thing, like Master and I. That was really comforting.

He also explained earlier why he's so invested in seeing Beth. He needs a break from regular life, basically. That makes sense to me.

He's fairly defensive and mad-seeming with those conversations at first. I think it will take some time to build trust between us, for me asking things without spiraling.

I feel like I really don't want to be away from him. But for him to leave, what I'm positive that I can offer, is not freaking out if I can feel comforted and connected before he leaves. Small and safe.

I think this could be accomplished by any of: 
- cuddles and tv
- cuddles and Master's music
- cuddles and talking
-primal time, either both primal or just me
-being little, and cuddles
- play like biting,  choking, hair pulling, nails
- maybe caning

The longest I can imagine it taking is an hour.

I'm grateful that he stayed with me in the ER, and that he takes care of me even when it's a lot. Most people would not.

Your slavedoll loves you, Master