Journal 9/18/17 Evening

I just realized that I'm having some pretty significant control issues. Which I know is a PTSD issue, though I have never figured out from what.

I had no control over the situation with Aisha. I didn't even get to have a conversation about that decision.

The effort I went to for the pageant wasn't reflected, and I had no control over that.

My depression is not under control.

I'm not doing very well controlling my addictive tendencies.

My animals keep getting out of the house, and I can't get control of that.

Despite my best efforts, my house is a mess.

My nails are a mess.

The old house stuff is out of control.

A bunch of my stuff that I use all the time is in boxes, and there's nowhere in my room to put them.

There's not the things I'm used to having in my house as far as food and water.

On that note, because of the lack of door shelves, the refrigerator is a disorganized mess

The pantry can't be unpacked because for unknown reasons it was filed with random not pantry items. Wtf.

There's too many body noises everywhere.

The list goes on.


I really need my life to have some kind of control and order.

I am too depressed to initate those activities. Also I'm not able bodied and can't drive.

Master has such an emotional, reactive response when I bring these things up. I think he doesn't get that I'm rapidly losing my shit. This is the kind of thing that sends me to the hospital.  I need some things off the list of chaos. I need things fixed. And I'm going to have this PTSD spiral until that happens.